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The diagram shows the stages and equipment used in the process of cement making and how cement is used to produce the concrete for building purposes. v.1

The diagram shows the stages and equipment used in the process of cement making and how cement is used to produce the concrete for building purposes. v. 1
Most youngsters submit shopping as a pastime activity. Personally, I believe this happens due to the lack of after school clubs, which encourage teenagers to improve certain skills. This essay will discuss why the negative aspect overweigh positive. Shopping provides people emotional and objective needs. So it can be preferred as a leisure time. A Few decades ago, shopping was the most pleasurable hobby for women. But now, most juveniles find it attractive and prefer it as a form of spending spare time. According to the fact that most cities do not have enough extra-curricular clubs that offer young people spend their time doing what they are interested in. Although there are some, they have not developed yet to attract teenagers. For instance, in my country there are less attractive places and after school classes. Furthermore, youngsters go shopping to refill their energy and feel relaxed. As far as I am concerned, this is a negative development. Firstly, most teenagers are not yet employed. They use pocket money that their parents gave them. In fact, shopping demands lots of money. It will be absurd to spend money on unnecessary things. Secondly, more hobbies will be distinct after 10 years old. If shopping is considered to be one of the leisure activities, such as knitting and gardening would be forgotten. To sum up, this development has more disadvantages than advantages. In conclusion, preferring shopping as a pastime has a detrimental effect on the individual teenagers. Nonetheless, the factor that develops this phenomenon is not the juveniles, but teenagers should be doing shopping less and instead they should seek for other hobbies.
Most youngsters submit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a pastime activity.
Personally
, I believe this happens due to the lack of after school clubs, which encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. This essay will discuss why the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.

Shopping provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
emotional and objective needs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it can
be preferred
as a leisure time.

A Few decades ago,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
was the most pleasurable hobby for women.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, most juveniles find it attractive and prefer it as a form of spending spare time. According to the fact that most cities do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
extra-curricular clubs that offer young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their time doing what they
are interested
in. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, they have not developed
yet
to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
For instance
, in my country there are less attractive places and after school classes.
Furthermore
, youngsters go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
to refill their energy and feel relaxed.

As far as I
am concerned
, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.
Firstly
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are not
yet
employed. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
pocket money that their parents gave them. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
demands lots of money. It will be absurd to spend money on unnecessary things.
Secondly
, more hobbies will be distinct after 10 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is considered
to be one of the leisure activities, such as knitting and gardening would
be forgotten
. To sum up, this development has more disadvantages than advantages.

In conclusion
, preferring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a pastime has a detrimental effect on the individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
. Nonetheless, the factor that develops this phenomenon is not the juveniles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should be doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
less and
instead
they should seek for other hobbies.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram shows the stages and equipment used in the process of cement making and how cement is used to produce the concrete for building purposes. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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