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The diagram shows proposed changes to Foster Road. Write a 150-word report describing the proposed changes for a local committee. v.1

The diagram shows proposed changes to Foster Road. Write a 150-word report describing the proposed changes for a local committee. v. 1
On the one hand, many parents think that giving mobile phones for their kids is essential for emergency cases. In other words, having a cellular telephone is not only helpful for parents to check up on their children constantly, but also for a kid to call an adult in case of an accident. For instance, young individuals are required to call their parents once they arrive their destination for safety purposes. On the other hand, parents letting their boy or girl owning a cell phone are encouraging their kids in an indirect way to live a sedentary lifestyle. To put it differently, cells are considered as distracting devices, where a person can sit for hours chatting, playing games or surfing the web. As a result, they do not take part in neither physical activities or building interpersonal characteristics. For example, a home staying child playing on his phone regularly, will have more difficulty in participating and communicating with the society in the long run. Finally, I personally believe that kids should have a limited and an observed amount of time while using the mobile. It is undeniable, that cellular devices are vital for an individual life, however, parents should control the time spent on these devices and persuade their kids to engage in activities that are healthier for their physical and mental health. In conclusion, kids who possess mobile phones should be watched and taught how to use these devices in the righteous way, to prevent the negative impact of using the cell phone in an inappropriate way.
On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that giving mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
is essential for emergency cases.
In other words
, having a cellular telephone is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
helpful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
up on their children
constantly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
to call an adult in case of an accident.
For instance
, young individuals
are required
to call their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
once they arrive their destination for safety purposes.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
letting their boy or girl owning a cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
are encouraging their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
Consider replacing "in an indirect way" with the adverb for "indirect"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an indirect way
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a sedentary lifestyle. To put it
differently
, cells
are considered
as distracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, where a person can sit for hours chatting, playing games or surfing the web.
As a result
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in neither physical activities
Use "nor" with neither.
or
building interpersonal characteristics.
For example
, a home staying child playing on his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
regularly
, will have more difficulty in participating and communicating with the society in the long run.

Finally
, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
should have a limited and an observed amount of time while using the mobile. It is undeniable, that cellular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are vital for an individual life,
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should control the time spent on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and persuade their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to engage in activities that are healthier for their physical and mental health.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
who possess mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
and taught how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
in the righteous way, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact of using the cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
Consider replacing "in an inappropriate way" with the adverb for "inappropriate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an inappropriate way
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The diagram shows proposed changes to Foster Road. Write a 150-word report describing the proposed changes for a local committee. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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