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The diagram shows how apple is canned. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words v.1

The diagram shows how apple is canned.
There are two approaches to handle illnesses around the world. One is preventing it even before people get sick, the other is to treat after people fall ill. Governments spend more money on the later. I agree that the world governments should spend more on prevention than on cure. When there is a proliferation of a virus, Government has no choice other than to spend a huge amount of money on the recovery. If no action is taken, it might lead to a major disaster in the society. Governments may argue that its inevitable and cannot be avoided. Apart from that, it's essential for Governments to protect their citizens from any illness or disabilities arising from it, for example, if a person gets into an unfortunate accident, he may not be able to afford a living. Hence, the Government needs to provide some benefits for the disabled. It's the responsibility of Governments to handle all these situations. However, Governments can avoid too much expenditure on treatment by avoiding the illness or injury. It could encourage people to get vaccinated by offering it for free or a minimum charge which anyone can afford. It can also impose strict rules and regulations on industries and factories to make sure they follow a good safety protocol. On top of that, it could make restaurants obligated to follow clean and healthy practices. Finally, it could also provide some benefits like tax reduction for healthcare companies that encourage the insured to follow a preventive care. So it's clear that Government has a plethora of options to improve the health and well being of its citizens. In conclusion, even though the Government is left with no option if an epidemic disease occurs in a society, it can take a lot of proactive measures that will avoid any epidemic or any illness to occur in the first place. So governments should stop spending on treating the illness after it occurred and should concentrate on preventing it altogether.
There are two approaches to handle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
around the world. One is preventing it even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick, the other is to treat after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
fall ill.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
spend more money on the
Did you mean "latter" (=the second of two items)?
later
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should spend more on prevention than on cure.

When there is a proliferation of a virus,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
has no choice other than to spend a huge amount of money on the recovery. If no action
is taken
, it might lead to a major disaster in the society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
may argue that its inevitable and cannot
be avoided
. Apart from that, it's essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
to protect their citizens from any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
or disabilities arising from it,
for example
, if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
into an unfortunate accident, he may not be able to afford a living.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
needs to provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits for the disabled. It's the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
to handle all these situations.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
can avoid too much expenditure on treatment by avoiding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
or injury. It could encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
vaccinated by offering it for free or a minimum charge which anyone can afford. It can
also
impose strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations on industries and factories to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they follow a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
safety protocol.
On top of that
, it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
restaurants obligated to follow clean and healthy practices.
Finally
, it could
also
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits like tax reduction for healthcare
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that encourage the insured to follow a preventive care.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
has a plethora of options to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the health and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of its citizens.

In conclusion
,
even though
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with no option if an epidemic disease occurs in a society, it can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
proactive measures that will avoid any epidemic or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
to occur in the
first
place.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
spending on treating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
after it occurred and should concentrate on preventing it altogether.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram shows how apple is canned.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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