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The diagram below shows the production and processing of milk and dairy products for commercial sale Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The diagram below shows the production and processing of milk and dairy products for commercial sale
It is true that development of children relies largely oo the surroundings they are grown. Some people argue that children should grow in the villages, whereas some others claim that living in town is good for the growth of children. However, I disagree with the argument that rural areas are better for the development of children than cities. To begin with, the opportunities available for children in town areas are inevitable. The educational institutions in cities provide wide opportunities for students to develop their skills and to enhance their abilities in academics as well as other extra curricular activities. The educational institutions in cities implement modern learning methods and advanced education for students, which introduce the to worlds of technology from their early classes. Moreover, people living in towns are considered as more advanced, so it is believed that children living in cities acquire wider view about the technological advancements and also it help to adapt the modern lifestyle. For instance, it is a fact that children living in towns have more explored to world by the training provided by the educational institutions and provide lot of opportunities to participate in international competitions. On the other hand, it is a fact that rural areas of country are less developed. The limited available facilities and technological advancements, impact the growth of children. In addition, inefficient communication is another major drawback of countryside education, which affect students in academics and it limits to less job opportunities. For example, the schools in the villages lack in the sufficient availability computer, which drastically affects the children. In conclusion, big cities are better for the development of children as it provides wide opportunities to enhance their skills as well as offer wide job offers. According to my opinion, tows are good for the development of children.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
The verb 'to rely' requires the preposition '(up)on': "relies on".
relies
largely
Possible spelling mistake found.
oo
the surroundings they
are grown
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should grow in the villages, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, I disagree with the argument that rural areas are better for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than cities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
areas are inevitable. The educational institutions in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
provide wide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
for students to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and to enhance their abilities in academics
as well
as other
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities. The educational institutions in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
implement modern learning methods and advanced education for students, which introduce the to worlds of technology from their early classes.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
are considered
as more advanced,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
acquire wider view about the technological advancements and
also
it
Did you mean "helps"?
help
to adapt the modern lifestyle.
For instance
, it is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
have more explored to world by the training provided by the educational institutions and provide
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
to participate in international competitions.

On the other hand
, it is a fact that rural areas of country are less developed. The limited available facilities and technological advancements, impact the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In addition
, inefficient communication is another major drawback of countryside education, which affect students in academics and it limits to less job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
.
For example
, the schools in the villages lack in the sufficient availability computer, which
drastically
affects the children.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are better for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it provides wide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
to enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as offer wide job offers. According to my opinion, tows are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram below shows the production and processing of milk and dairy products for commercial sale

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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