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The diagram shows the process by which milk and related products are produced. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features v.1

The diagram shows the process by which milk and related products are produced.
Whether or not teenagers should take participant in different voluntary community work has become a hot topic of discussion these days. Some people perceive that this practice is beneficial for both individuals and society. This essay will discuss why I completely agree with this idea even though there are some minor and potential challenges associated with it. The crucial beneficial factor of getting youngsters involved in various voluntary community service, such as neighborhood activities and charity work is that it enables children to better understand the responsibility as a local citizen as children tend to learn some moral values including compassion, equality and respect more easily and effortlessly while helping others. Additionally, our society can be positively affected if people can be more aware of these values. To illustrate, a recent research conducted in Japan has revealed that children who had voluntary work experience can be more patient and respectful to others. Therefore, doing unpaid community service is significant for young people’s personal development. However, every coin has two sides. One main negative consequence of this development is that people’s inner desire to help others could be reduced if we turn this into a mandatory program because many teenagers may see this as a subject that they have to do in order to graduate. Take myself for example, I joined some neighborhood services when I was a student and I didn’t understand the real purpose of doing this, as a result I didn’t take it seriously. For this reason, young people could also be adversely affected by this. To sum up, people’s opinion towards unpaid community work is various. Taking everything into consideration, I’m inclined to say that doing some unpaid community work is absolute imperative that is entirely justified despite the small and occasional challenges involved.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should take participant in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has become a hot topic of discussion these days.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceive that this practice is beneficial for both individuals and society. This essay will discuss why I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
minor and potential challenges associated with it.

The crucial beneficial factor of getting youngsters involved in various voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service, such as neighborhood activities and charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is that it enables children to better understand the responsibility as a local citizen as children tend to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
moral values including compassion, equality and respect more
easily
and
effortlessly
while helping others.
Additionally
, our society can be
positively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be more aware of these values. To illustrate, a recent research conducted in Japan has revealed that children who had voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience can be more patient and respectful to others.
Therefore
, doing unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service is significant for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
personal development.

However
, every coin has two sides. One main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequence of this development is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
inner desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
if we turn this into a mandatory program
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this as a subject that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do in order to graduate. Take myself
for example
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
neighborhood services when I was a student and I didn’t understand the real purpose of doing this,
as a result
I didn’t take it
seriously
.
For this reason
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
also
be
adversely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by this.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
opinion towards unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is various. Taking everything into consideration, I’m inclined to say that doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is absolute imperative
that is
entirely
justified despite the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
and occasional challenges involved.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram shows the process by which milk and related products are produced.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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