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The diagram below shows how thermal energy is used to produce electricity. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons wherever relevant. v.1

The diagram below shows how thermal energy is used to produce electricity.
In the past decade, there has been a huge rise in the number of smokers. People are opting this habit really quickly, some believe smoking to be stress buster and some just do it as a fashion trend. But whatsoever these people are choosing this habit out of their free will and they are well aware of the dangers involved with it. This has lead to an ongoing debate about whether smokers should pay extra for their medical treatment or not. Well, I agree that they should pay more. This essay will discuss some of the reasons for my agreement. Firstly, the most important factor for implementing expensive medical treatment for smokers is that by doing so some of them may quit smoking due to money issues. For instance, there are many people who do it just to show off, with an increase in hospitalization expenditures they will surely prefer to leave this fashion. Secondly, when smoking both active and passive smokers are getting affected. The active smoker is doing it intentionally, but the person standing next to him may not even like that. Thus, while smoking they are not only harming themselves, but also affecting other people. Another main reason is that smokers are adopting this habit at the cost of inheriting many linked diseases. If they are willing to accept all the disadvantages than they can also pay a little more. At the end, they will have to choose between the two. Lastly, by sparing some money from people who are intentionally accepting diseases, government can utilize it for the needy and poor who are innocents and deserve basic medical treatments. To conclude, if smokers choose smoking over hospital expenses, then that's their choice to make and they can also afford to pay high. But, if there are some who are willing to choose their health than government should provide them with cheap rehabilitation centres to help them.
In the past decade, there has been a huge rise in the number of smokers.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are opting this habit
really
quickly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
buster and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
do it as a fashion trend.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
whatsoever these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are choosing this habit out of their free
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
will and
they are well aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
involved with it. This has lead to an ongoing debate about whether smokers should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
extra for their medical treatment or not. Well, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
more. This essay will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons for my agreement.

Firstly
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for implementing expensive medical treatment for smokers is that by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may quit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
due to money issues.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off, with an increase in hospitalization expenditures they will
surely
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
this fashion.
Secondly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
both active and passive smokers are getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. The active smoker is doing it
intentionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the person standing
next
to him may not even like that.
Thus
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
harming themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
affecting other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Another main reason is that smokers are adopting this habit at the cost of inheriting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
linked diseases.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
they are willing to accept all the disadvantages than they can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
more. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
choose between the two.
Lastly
, by sparing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
intentionally
accepting diseases,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can utilize it for the needy and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are innocents and deserve basic medical treatments.

To conclude
, if smokers choose
If 'choose' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to smoke".
smoking
over hospital expenses, then that's their choice to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
make and
they can
also
afford to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
high.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are willing to choose their health than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide them with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
rehabilitation
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram below shows how thermal energy is used to produce electricity.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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