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The diagram bellow shows how geometrical energy is used to produce electricity. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. v.1

The diagram bellow shows how geometrical energy is used to produce electricity.
In most civilised societies, grandchildren hardly spend time with their grandparents. This has a lot of implications, but I believe only a few really matters. To start with, there are lots of benefits of kid spending quality time with their parents folks. First and foremost the kids get to enjoy good stories about their heritage, which help them understand their roots and history. Secondly, knowledge and skill can be acquired as a result of spending much time the older folks. For instance, kids that visit their grandparents often tends to have very good culinary skills and other home management know how. Finally, there is a high chance of more children being able to speak their native language if they get quality moments with their grandparent. In addition to this, lack of having quality moments with the grandparents will lead to being lost by not having a touch to kids roots and cultures, thereby causing diminishing of some essential traditions because it was not passed on. Also so many of those old skill will not learnt by these kids in particular, most kids lately cannot even cook To conclude, the benefits of spending more moments with grandparents will not be enjoyed by most children and the consequences are so great. However, the modernization of societies that causes grandchildren to spend little or no periods with the grandparents has lead to immense lost of heritage. Parents need to create avenues and opportunities for this young generation to have a feel of their roots and tradition of being with their grandparents.
In most
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilised' is British English.
civilised
societies, grandchildren hardly spend time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
. This has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
implications,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
really
matters.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, there are lots of benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
spending quality time with their parents folks.
First
and foremost the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to enjoy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stories about their heritage, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them understand their roots and history.
Secondly
, knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
can
be acquired
as a result
of spending much time the older folks.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
that visit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tends to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
culinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and other home management know how.
Finally
, there is a high chance of more children being able to speak their native language if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
quality moments with their grandparent.

In addition
to this, lack of having quality moments with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
will lead to
being lost
by not having a touch to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
roots and cultures, thereby causing diminishing of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
essential traditions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it was not passed on.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
will not
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "learn"
learnt
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in particular
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
lately cannot even
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
cook


To conclude
, the benefits of spending more moments with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
will not
be enjoyed
by most children and the consequences are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
great.
However
, the modernization of societies that causes grandchildren to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no periods with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
has lead to immense lost of heritage. Parents need to create avenues and opportunities for this young generation to have a feel of their roots and tradition of being with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram bellow shows how geometrical energy is used to produce electricity.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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