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The dangers and complexities of the modern world have made the mobile phone an absolute necessity for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

The dangers and complexities of the modern world have made the mobile phone an absolute necessity for children. v. 2
An increasing number of children now carry mobile phones. These gadgets were once a luxury for teens and adults, but now they have become a toy for young children. Some people believe that mobile phones have become an absolute necessity for children because of the safety concerns existing in the modern world. I don’t quite agree with this view. While I admit that mobile phones benefit children in many ways, I don’t think that they are a must-have. Mobile phones are designed to help people stay connected on the go. The world is becoming a dangerous place, especially for children. The increase in crime rates and vehicular traffic has also increased concerns over the safety of children. Gone are the days when children could travel safely without putting themselves in danger. Since mobile phones allow parents to get in touch with their children whenever they want to, many parents give them to their children. The benefits of this arrangement are obvious. However, in spite of all the arguments in favor of giving mobile phones to children, I don’t think that they are an all-in-one solution for all the problems faced by parents and children. In fact, carrying expensive mobile phones actually threatens the safety of children. What’s more, many schools have payphone facility that children can use in case of an emergency. Some parents have too much faith in technology. They believe that if their children carry mobile phones they are safe from all the dangers. Unfortunately, such false notions invite danger. In my opinion, young children are not supposed to be allowed to travel without the supervision of adults, be they teachers or parents. To sum up, I don’t believe that mobile phones make children protected. I do see the benefits of giving children mobile phones, but I do not agree that they are an absolute necessity. If parents and teachers are really concerned about the safety of their children, what they need to do is to make children aware of the dangers lurking in the corner.
An increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
carry mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. These gadgets were once a luxury for teens and adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they have become a toy for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have become an absolute necessity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
concerns existing in the modern world. I don’t quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. While I admit that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways, I don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
-have.

Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are designed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
stay connected on the go. The world is becoming a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
place,
especially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The increase in crime rates and vehicular traffic has
also
increased concerns over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Gone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
the days when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could travel
safely
without putting themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
danger
. Since mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whenever they want to,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give them to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The benefits of this arrangement are obvious.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
all the arguments in favor of giving mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are an all-in-one solution for all the problems faced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In fact, carrying expensive mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
actually threatens the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. What’s more,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools have payphone facility that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in case of an emergency.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have too much faith in technology. They believe that if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
carry mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
they are safe from all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangers
. Unfortunately, such false notions invite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
danger
. In my opinion, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not supposed to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to travel without the supervision of adults, be they teachers or parents.

To sum up, I don’t believe that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
protected. I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the benefits of giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they are an absolute necessity. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers are
really
concerned about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, what they need to do is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aware of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangers
lurking in the corner.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The dangers and complexities of the modern world have made the mobile phone an absolute necessity for children. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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