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The crime rate nowadays in decreasing compared to the past due to advance technology which can prevent and solve crime Do you agree or disagree v.1

The crime rate nowadays in decreasing compared to the past due to advance technology which can prevent and solve crime v. 1
In these days, people do have more concerned about their health than before. There is a notion that everyone needs to take care of their health personally, while others believe this should be belong to government’ s responsibility. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the view that citizens should be aware of their health instead of the authority. Besides, the government should also be responsible for the environmental factors and supporting health care services. First of all, the government need to be aware of the environment in their country. For example, in a developing country such as India, they need to assess the pollution level in the air where is nearby a factory or industrial area. This is quite essential as the government is the only one who has the power to stop illegal actions from factory if they do harm to the environment. It is not only about air pollution, but water also can be contaminated poisons, which affect seriously to people around that area. On the other hand, the government cannot take duty for caring health of everyone, but they have provide an array of choices for them to ensure a healthy life. For instance, the authorities use taxes to build hospitals, clinics and various services to serve their citizens. People will have to be aware of their health and the ones who understand clearly their physical body. Therefore, they can pick the most suitable service instead of appointment from the local authority. This will be more reasonable for patients having wide options than the enforcement from the government to treat their citizens. In conclusion, I believe that the government needs to take action to control pollution levels and other factors which may harm to citizens’ health. However, it is important that every person is required to have a personal health check to ensure a healthy life by using a variety of services provided by the government.
In these days,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do have more concerned about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. There is a notion that everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
personally
, while others believe this should be
Consider using the past participle "belonged"?
belong
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’
s responsibility. In my opinion, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view that citizens should be aware of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
instead
of the authority.
Besides
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
also
be responsible for the environmental factors and supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care services.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be aware of the environment in their country.
For example
, in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
such as India, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to assess the pollution level in the air where is nearby a factory or industrial area. This is quite essential as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one who has the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
illegal actions from factory if they do harm to the environment. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about air pollution,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
water
also
can
be contaminated
poisons, which affect
seriously
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around that area.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
cannot take duty for caring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have
Use past participle here: "provided".
provide
an array of choices for them to ensure a healthy life.
For instance
, the authorities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
taxes to build hospitals, clinics and various services to serve their citizens.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be aware of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and the ones who understand
clearly
their physical body.
Therefore
, they can pick the most suitable service
instead
of appointment from the local authority. This will be more reasonable for patients having wide options than the enforcement from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to treat their citizens.

In conclusion
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to take action to control pollution levels and other factors which may harm to citizens’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
However
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that every person
is required
to have a personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
to ensure a healthy life by using a variety of services provided by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The crime rate nowadays in decreasing compared to the past due to advance technology which can prevent and solve crime v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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