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The charts below the main reason for study among students of different age groups and amount of support they received from employeers. v.1

The charts below the main reason for study among students of different age groups and amount of support they received from employeers. v. 1
In this competitive world that we have to work more hours to achieve our goals, some peoples claim that it is better to get along with difficult situations and try to accept them. On the other hand, some people are against this idea and say that we should try to enhance our awkward situation. In my opinion, I suppose we should always seek for better fortune. On the one hand, it is important to be humble and try to accept what we have attained from our hard work. It is kind of a cognitive relaxation if you accept your pros and cons and not be jealous of your peers. Furthermore, if you always try to get higher pay you miss the real point of a life like being with your family or visit your closest family more often. So if you want to be realistic you cannot be idealistic all the time and sometimes you have to give something to achieve something more precious. On the other hand, even though we should accept our assets and feel satisfied with them, we should not take it wrong with laziness and being aimless. Furthermore, we all are responsible for ourselves to use our abilities and our time in the right way. For instance, if we accept our inferior position by saying that it is our destiny and we cannot do anything about it, it is a great damage to ourselves. So, we must not take it wrong and try to be lazy it is not a reasonable excuse. In conclusion, however, it is an important goal that we constantly make an effort for a greater situation, we should not be fanatic about it and we should consider both our physical and psychic ability.
In this competitive world that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work more hours to achieve our goals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
peoples claim that it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along with difficult situations and try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
them.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are against this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and say that we should try to enhance our awkward situation. In my opinion, I suppose we should always seek for better fortune.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to be humble and try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
what we have attained from our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. It is
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
cognitive relaxation if you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
your pros and cons and not be jealous of your peers.
Furthermore
, if you always try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher pay you miss the real point of a life like being with your family or visit your closest family more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if you want to be realistic you cannot be idealistic all the time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give something to achieve something more precious.

On the other hand
,
even though
we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
our assets and feel satisfied with them, we should not take it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
with laziness and being aimless.
Furthermore
, we all are responsible for ourselves to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
our abilities and our time in the right way.
For instance
, if we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
our inferior position by saying that it is our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
destiny and
we cannot do anything about it, it is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "great damage".
a great damage
to ourselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not take it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
and try to be lazy it is not a reasonable excuse.

In conclusion
,
however
, it is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
goal that we
constantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort for a greater situation, we should not be fanatic about
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
we should consider both our physical and psychic ability.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay The charts below the main reason for study among students of different age groups and amount of support they received from employeers. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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