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The charts below show the total number of applicants the year before and the year after Doolittle University’s social media advertising campaign, organized by age range and how close the applicants live to the university. Summarize the information by s v.1

The charts below show the total number of applicants the year before and the year after Doolittle University’s social media advertising campaign, organized by age range and how close the applicants live to the university.
Some people have the opinion that it is their choice to select any sport while the rest think that high-risk sports activities should be prohibited by government bodies. This essay will try to explore both the side and will draw a conclusion. On the one hand, adventurous sports recreates enthusiasm, builds strength, increase confidence in one's day to day life and also involves a certain checklist to qualify. However, it allows sportsmen to showcase their capability to represent their country and gain popularity on a larger platform. For instance, sports-person like Mary Kom in boxing, Khali in wrestling, is the popular name in the international sports fraternity. Furthermore to this, such extreme sports are always a centre of attraction for the tourist that helps in earning foreign exchange. On the other hand, extreme sports are performed with all considering factors like skill, risk, health issues, age, and safety. Moreover, safety guards are compulsorily used to avoid injuries because accidents are unavoidable if proper majors are not considered, but they cannot restrain a person from the liberty to play. However, the juvenile should not be allowed in such life-threatening sports. Furthermore to this, instead of banning, the lawmaker should implement the law to cover health and life insurance for the sports-person and their family members. Because there are many cases in which families are unable to bear the expenses in severe injuries while playing a match. Banning the danger sports is not the solution. In conclusion, lawmakers should implement stringent laws on safety precautions of the players.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have the opinion that it is their choice to select any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
while the rest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities should
be prohibited
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
bodies. This essay will try to explore both the side and will draw a conclusion.

On the one hand, adventurous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
recreates enthusiasm, builds strength, increase confidence in one's
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life and
also
involves a certain checklist to qualify.
However
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
sportsmen to showcase their capability to represent their country and gain popularity on a larger platform.
For instance
, sports-person like Mary
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kom
in boxing,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Khali
in wrestling, is the popular name in the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
fraternity.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
to this, such extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are always a
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of attraction for the tourist that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in earning foreign exchange.

On the other hand
, extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are performed
with all considering factors like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, health issues, age, and safety.
Moreover
, safety guards are
compulsorily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to avoid injuries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
accidents are unavoidable if proper majors are not considered,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they cannot restrain a person from the liberty to play.
However
, the juvenile should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in such life-threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
to this,
instead
of banning, the lawmaker should implement the law to cover health and life insurance for the sports-person and their family members.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases in which families are unable to bear the expenses in severe injuries while playing a match.

Banning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is not the solution.
In conclusion
, lawmakers should implement stringent laws on safety precautions of the players.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below show the total number of applicants the year before and the year after Doolittle University’s social media advertising campaign, organized by age range and how close the applicants live to the university.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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