Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

1651 Describe a positive change in your life. You should say: when it happenedwhere it happenedwhat the change wasand explain how you have benefited from this change. v.1

1651 Describe a positive change in your life. You should say: when it happenedwhere it happenedwhat the change wasand explain how you have benefited from this change. v. 1
The world in the 21st century is marked by high population mobility. When an increasing number of people have chosen to leave their motherlands and resettle in a new country, they are at a crossroads whether to blend in with the local culture or to cherish their own cultural heritages by establishing a minority community. In my opinion, the convergence of different cultures does not require one culture to yield to another. Instead, it can be achieved by building minority communities. Most immigrants, at the first stage of their life in a new country, are faced with merging into the new culture and integrating into the new society. Accepting the local culture by observing the local traditions is a good starting point. Doing so enables immigrants to interact with locals, especially in the workplace, where locals predominantly work. For instance, in Western culture, people customarily keep a certain distance from each other when having a conversation, whereas in some other cultures, the closeness of physical distance is taken as a sign of mutual trust. A migrant in a new country should recognise the differences and observe local conventions. It will help avoid embarrassment and bring a sense of comfort. While adopting local customs and blending into the local culture, migrants can follow their individual cultural traditions. The coexistence of different minority communities in a country benefits both immigrants and locals. On the one hand, it enables immigrants to counteract the stress that results from culture shocks and to increase confidence in their residence in a new country. On the other hand, the flourishing of different cultures contributes to the establishment of a multi-cultural environment, a prerequisite for attracting skilled workforce from all over the world to settle. In conclusion, by comparing the immigration options above, one can conclude that immigrants can adopt local conventions and cherish their own cultures simultaneously. This allows both locals and immigrants to co-build a harmonious multi-cultural community.
The world in the 21st century
is marked
by high population mobility. When an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have chosen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their motherlands and resettle in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, they are at a crossroads whether to blend in with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
or to cherish their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cultural heritages by establishing a minority community. In my opinion, the convergence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
does not require one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
to yield to another.
Instead
, it can
be achieved
by building minority communities.

Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
, at the
first
stage of their life in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
are faced
with merging into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and integrating into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
society. Accepting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
by observing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
traditions is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
starting point. Doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
to interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
,
especially
in the workplace, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
predominantly
work.
For instance
, in Western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
customarily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a certain distance from each other when having a conversation, whereas in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, the closeness of physical distance
is taken
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of mutual trust. A migrant in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
the differences and observe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
conventions. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
avoid embarrassment and bring a sense of comfort.

While adopting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
customs and blending into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, migrants can follow their individual cultural traditions. The coexistence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
minority communities in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
benefits both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
. On the one hand, it enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
to counteract the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
that results from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
shocks and to increase confidence in their residence in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
On the other hand
, the flourishing of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
contributes to the establishment of a multi-cultural environment, a prerequisite for attracting skilled workforce from all over the world to settle.

In conclusion
, by comparing the immigration options above, one can conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
can adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
conventions and cherish their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
simultaneously
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
to co-build a harmonious multi-cultural community.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 1651 Describe a positive change in your life. You should say: when it happenedwhere it happenedwhat the change wasand explain how you have benefited from this change. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts