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The charts below show the proportion of people’s total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008 v.1

The charts below show the proportion of people’s total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008 v. 1
The advancement in the technology has been uncertainly gained momentum resulted in the advancement of the Internet. A person will start to wear different clothes as per their customs. However, many people start to wear the same type of clothes over the globe. This essay will discuss about my opinion followed by the arguments in further paragraph. To begin with, as per my opinion, this is the negative development. The most important reason is that the people in the street follow the same appearance over the cosmos as a result community fill that they may be loss their existence. Even more teenagers like to follow the modernized appearance which helps to create glamorous appearance. For example, most of collagens change their look and clothes as per the celebrities’ different look in the movie which is in the latest trend. Moreover, having attraction about the apparatus of different brand which are too many expensive still many people waste their money on such items instead of crucial thing such as food, study expenses. At last, this situation will force a person to do start some offensive things to earn money and to satisfy their needs. Furthermore, one of the important sectors of the all nations has been spoiled, Tourism, foreigner come to a particular nation to know about the mythology of the nation and to exchange their thoughts. If the entire universe having the follow the same ritual and appearance, then no one will like to visit different places that would create a detrimental effect on the economy of the nation. For instance, research conducted shows that most of the transient are interested in the to know about the culture, clothes, food and belief, but this would be spoiled by the globalization. Hence, no one is ready to visit another nation, due to that no foreign money exchange occurs resulting in the rapid decrease of the economy. In conclusion, Due to the advancement of the Internet entire world become a smaller house and people start to follow the latest fashion which affects the society's existence, even spoil the individual finance and affect the nation's economy as well. The government should initiate programs which shows its impact on the globe.
The advancement in the technology has been
uncertainly
gained momentum resulted in the advancement of the Internet. A person will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to wear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
as per their customs.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to wear the same type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
over the globe. This essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss my"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about my
opinion followed by the arguments in
further
paragraph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, as per my opinion, this

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
is
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the street
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
over the cosmos
as a result
community fill that they may be loss their existence. Even more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the modernized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to create glamorous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
.
For example
,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the collagens") or simply say "most collagens".
most of collagens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their look and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
as per the celebrities’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
look in the movie which is in the latest trend.
Moreover
, having attraction about the apparatus of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
brand which are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
expensive
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
waste their money on such items
instead
of crucial thing such as food, study expenses. At last, this situation will force a person to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
offensive things to earn money and to satisfy their needs.

Furthermore
, one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sectors of the all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
has
been spoiled
, Tourism, foreigner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
to know about the mythology of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
and to exchange their thoughts. If the entire universe having the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the same ritual and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
, then no one
Did you mean "would"?
will
like to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
places that would create a detrimental effect on the economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
For instance
, research conducted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that most of the transient
are interested
in the to know about the culture,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
, food and belief,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this would
be spoiled
by the globalization.
Hence
, no one is ready to visit another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
, due to that no foreign money exchange occurs resulting in the rapid decrease of the economy.

In conclusion
, Due to the advancement of the Internet entire world become a smaller
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the latest fashion which affects the society's existence, even spoil the individual finance and affect the nation's economy
as well
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should initiate programs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
its impact on the globe.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below show the proportion of people’s total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008 v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
367 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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