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Computers is the result of the technology advancement and computers are the part of the our daily routine. v.1

Computers is the result of the technology advancement and computers are the part of the our daily routine. v. 1
It is being argued by some that paying employees based on the number of goods produced and sold is the ultimate means of inspiring hard work. I disagree this is the best method, owing to the fact that it creates unethical behaviour amongst other things. Salary review, reward and recognition scheme as well as career advancement in my opinion are better ways of propelling employees to work hard. To start with, employees will put in effort to achieve great productivity when they are aware of a career progression plan in place to ensure a long term sustainability rather than instant gratification such as sales bonus. This creates a win-win situation, they will work tirelessly to ensure the business succeeds knowing their development is dependent on it. In addition, having a periodic salary review based on set key performance index will encourage diligence work in anticipation of salary increment. Furthermore, another way to drive efficiency is having a scheme that takes into cognizance employees' welfare, such as healthcare, transportation, insurance plan, annual leave and so on; thus creating a sense of belonging and stimulating diligence. For example, I have a health insurance scheme and I am assured I can access medical services as and when due. Another point to note is that hard work can be triggered by having a reward and recognition program that acknowledges excellence. For example, a 'wall of fame' for outstanding employees will encourage people as everybody loves to be celebrated. In conclusion, admittedly, having payment commensurate to output rate is one path of  influencing hard work, however, I disagree, it is the best approach because it is short termed and results in sharp practises. Hence, futuristic incentive, such as annual remuneration upgrade, reward and recognition and career development are good strategies of motivating and encouraging hard work in a workplace.
It is
being argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
based on the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
produced and sold is the ultimate means of inspiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I disagree this is the best method, owing to the fact that it creates unethical
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
amongst other things. Salary review, reward and recognition scheme
as well
as career advancement in my opinion are better ways of propelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will put in effort to achieve great productivity when they are aware of a career progression plan in place to ensure a long term sustainability
rather
than instant gratification such as sales bonus. This creates a win-win situation, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
tirelessly
to ensure the business succeeds knowing their development is dependent on it.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a periodic salary review based on set key performance index will encourage diligence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in anticipation of salary increment.

Furthermore
, another way to drive efficiency is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a scheme that takes into cognizance employees' welfare, such as healthcare, transportation, insurance plan, annual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on;
thus
creating a sense of belonging and stimulating diligence.
For example
, I have a health insurance
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
scheme and
I
am assured
I can access medical services as and when due. Another point to note is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can
be triggered
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a reward and recognition program that acknowledges excellence.
For example
, a 'wall of fame' for outstanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as everybody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
to
be celebrated
.

In conclusion
,
admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
payment commensurate to output rate is one path of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
influencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
however
, I disagree, it is the best approach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is short termed and results in sharp
Possible spelling mistake. 'practises' is British English.
practises
.
Hence
, futuristic incentive, such as annual remuneration upgrade, reward and recognition and career development are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
strategies of motivating and encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a workplace.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Computers is the result of the technology advancement and computers are the part of the our daily routine. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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