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The chart shows the number of international students from four different countries applyingfor universities in a European country from the year 2004 to 2008. v.1

The chart shows the number of international students from four different countries applyingfor universities in a European country from the year 2004 to 2008. v. 1
Working late hours everyday or migrating to a different place to work has become a trend in this modern era. In my opinion, it has more drawbacks than the advantages it can offer. We will see the reasons behind the disadvantages in this essay. Firstly, working till late night and burning their night oil may help them with earning more and advancement in their career, but it will ensure that they will have less time for themselves let alone for their loved ones. As a result, there will be an emotional distance between them and the rest of the family. For example, in America, where people would rather spend their time working over the weekends and holidays, than being with their children or other family members, we often see that they have no close relationship among them. Such behaviour is the major cause behind their children becoming drug addicts or falling into the hands of the wrong kind of people. Secondly, although, migrating to a different nation can be exciting at times, but it is not as easy as one might assume, due to several factors such as language, culture and weather conditions. For instance, in my country India, many youths are immigrating to Canada, in search of better jobs and to have a better standard of living, but Canada is one of the coldest country in the world and it is very difficult to survive the winter there for a person who is used to the tropical climate of India. Its not just the climate, the cultural difference can be very difficult to adapt and can cause mental stress, which might push one into the state of depression. In conclusion, working late nights or migrating to a new place for jobs, may be very tempting and can offer self actualization in the beginning, but it definitely will have more disadvantageous in the long run, therefore people should consider their health and family before anything else.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
late hours
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
or migrating to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
place to work has become a trend in this modern era. In my opinion, it has more drawbacks than the advantages it can offer. We will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the reasons behind the disadvantages in this essay.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
till late night and burning their night oil may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with earning more and advancement in their career,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will ensure that they will have less time for themselves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
alone for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
As a result
, there will be an emotional distance between them and the rest of the family.
For example
, in America, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
rather
spend their time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
over the weekends and holidays, than being with their children or other family members, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that they have no close relationship among them. Such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is the major cause behind their children becoming drug addicts or falling into the hands of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
kind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Secondly
, although, migrating to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nation can be exciting at times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not as easy as one might assume, due to several factors such as language, culture and weather conditions.
For instance
, in my country India,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youths are immigrating to Canada, in search of better jobs and to have a better standard of living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Canada is one of the coldest country in the world and it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to survive the winter there for a person who is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to the tropical climate of India. Its not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the climate, the cultural difference can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to adapt and can cause mental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, which might push one into the state of depression.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
late nights or migrating to a new place for jobs, may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tempting and can offer self actualization in the beginning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it definitely will have more disadvantageous in the long run,
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should consider their health and family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
anything else.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart shows the number of international students from four different countries applyingfor universities in a European country from the year 2004 to 2008. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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