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The chart show the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 to 2010 v.1

The chart show the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 to 2010 v. 1
Over the past 50 years, people have become used to the idea that they will probably live longer than their grandparents did. However, a longer life is only desirable if you can look after yourself and be independent, otherwise there can be disadvantages for everyone. If you walk into a hospital in my country, you are likely to see a lot more elderly people than you did in the past. In fact, this is causing significant problems as there is a shortage of beds. Medical treatment is keeping the elderly alive, but at what cost to others? On top of this, one of the biggest medical problems in these days is dementia. Even if old people still fit, they may not be able to look after themselves. They may have to live with their children or be cared for in a home, which can be expensive. Elderly people do not like to be a burden, but their children can feel obliged to care for them. Obviously, not all old people become ill. Those who remain healthy can enjoy a happy old age as long as they have saved enough money. People are much more active in their sixties and seventies than they used to be and this can only be a good thing. They have time to enjoy their retirement and do a range of activities that they could not do when they were at work. They can also help look after their grandchildren, which is a great benefit for working parents. To sum up, I believe that we should aim to keep people as healthy as possible so that they can enjoy their old age without having to rely on others. A longer life expectancy is obviously advantageous, but no one wants to live to be 100 if they can only cause problems for their family and society.
Over the past 50 years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that they will
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer than their grandparents did.
However
, a longer life is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
desirable if you can look after yourself and be independent,
otherwise
there can be disadvantages for everyone.

If you walk into a hospital in my country, you are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a lot more elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than you did in the past. In fact, this is causing significant problems as there is a shortage of beds. Medical treatment is keeping the elderly alive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at what cost to others?

On top of this, one of the biggest medical problems in these days is dementia. Even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
fit, they may not be able to look after themselves. They may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their children or
be cared
for in a home, which can be expensive. Elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not like to be a burden,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their children can feel obliged to care for them.

Obviously
, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become ill. Those who remain healthy can enjoy a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age as long as they have saved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are much more active in their sixties and seventies than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be and this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing. They have time to enjoy their retirement and do a range of activities that they could not do when they were at work. They can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
look after their grandchildren, which is a great benefit for working parents.

To sum up, I believe that we should aim to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as healthy as possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age without having to rely on others. A longer life expectancy is
obviously
advantageous,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no one wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
to be 100 if they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cause problems for their family and society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay The chart show the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 to 2010 v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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