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The Chart below show the males and females arrested over 5 years and the reasons for the most recent arrests. v.1

The Chart below show the males and females arrested over 5 years and the reasons for the most recent arrests. v. 1
Some people believe that famous characters are naturally talented, however, others opine everything can be taught and everybody can be an expert by learning. I think both opinions are correct in some extend, although naturally talented individual should study to become a specialist. In this essay, these two sides will be discussed. On one side, it is thought a child is born with an exact ability such as music, soccer or be a scientist. It is correct, though the point that should be considered is the role of education. Every expert beside their capabilities, educate to expand the knowledge to use the talent in an optimized way. For example, Lionel Messi is a great soccer player who is known as the best of all the time. Obviously, if Barcelona coaches did not explore his capabilities, and he did not learn how being a professional in the future, no one knows him today. Therefore, education for talented children is considerable. On the other hand, teaching can improve their abilities and illustrating the means to be professional in all fields. Human muscles, no matter physical ones or brain muscles, will be stronger by the exercises. In this case, the rival of Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, is the best example. Ronaldo is known as an athlete who reaches his goals by doing everyday exercises that learned by other experts. Thus, children can become an expert in everything by educating and exercising continuously and not giving up soon. To summarize, everyone who tries and put his effort on things that love will learn it like an expert. No matter you are talented or not, I believe that the important thing is to do the best and not too hopeless because reaching every aim is so difficult.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
characters are
naturally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
,
however
, others opine everything can
be taught
and everybody can be an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expert
by learning. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
both opinions are correct in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "extent" ('extent' is a noun, 'extend' is a verb)?
extend
, although
naturally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
individual should study to become a specialist. In this essay, these two sides will
be discussed
.

On one side, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
a child
is born
with an exact ability such as music, soccer or be a scientist. It is correct, though the point that should
be considered
is the role of education. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expert
beside their capabilities, educate to expand the knowledge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the talent in an optimized way.
For example
, Lionel Messi is a great soccer player who
is known
as the best of all the time.
Obviously
, if Barcelona coaches did not explore his capabilities, and he did not learn how being a professional in the future, no one knows him
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Therefore
, education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
children is considerable.

On the other hand
, teaching can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their abilities and illustrating the means to be professional in all fields. Human muscles, no matter physical ones or brain muscles, will be stronger by the exercises.
In this case
, the rival of Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, is the best example. Ronaldo
is known
as an athlete who reaches his goals by doing everyday exercises that learned by other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experts
.
Thus
, children can become an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expert
in everything by educating and exercising
continuously
and not giving up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

To summarize
, everyone who tries and put his effort on things that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
will learn it like an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expert
. No matter you are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
or not, I believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is to do the best and not too hopeless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
reaching every aim is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
difficult.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The Chart below show the males and females arrested over 5 years and the reasons for the most recent arrests. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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