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The chart shows the percentage of males and females in Australia who were overweight from 1980 to 2010 v.1

The chart shows the percentage of males and females in Australia who were overweight from 1980 to 2010 v. 1
The world has become a global village where people share the same interests and follow the same trends. Although this situation seems to be advantages to bring people worldwide together, I believe this trend harbours many negative implications rather than positive ones. Firstly, when people purchase the same international commodities, this consequently detriments many countries economically. Most of products that attract people from all over the world, such as smart phones and trendy clothes, are manufactured by big companies in the developed countries. This affects the local industry in the less developed and developing countries. In Egypt, for example, many Egyptians prefer to shop for fashionable clothes from high-end transnational stores rather than to buy clothes from local stores that sell “made in Egypt” products. This result in a significant decline in sales of domestic goods and even closure of many national businesses. It proves that when individuals in all countries become able to get the same items, it has undesirable influence on local economies. Secondly, buying things is a way that people use to express their interests and preferences. When someone purchases an international popular product, it means that this person is keen to follow global trends. If this has become an increasing attitude between individuals, it will wipe their culture identities to adopt the newly coming trends. It is common now, for instance, to see people all over the world wearing the same clothes and abandoning their local costumes. Eventually this cultural change will not stop at choice of clothes and it will expand to dominate all aspects of life and pale all cultural richness. In conclusion, if individuals all over the globe shop for the same items, this development will have harmful potentials on national businesses and will eclipse their cultural identity.
The world has become a global village where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
share the same interests and follow the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
. Although this situation seems to be advantages to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worldwide together, I believe this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
Possible spelling mistake. 'harbours' is British English.
harbours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implications
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
ones.

Firstly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the same international commodities, this
consequently
detriments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
economically
.
After 'Most of', you should use 'the' ("Most of the products") or simply say "Most products".
Most of products
that attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world, such as smart phones and trendy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
,
are manufactured
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. This affects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
industry in the less developed and developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In Egypt,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Egyptians prefer to shop for fashionable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
from high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
transnational stores
rather
than to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
stores that sell “made in Egypt” products. This result in a significant decline in sales of domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and even closure of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
national businesses. It proves that when individuals in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
become able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same items, it has undesirable influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
economies.

Secondly
, buying things is a way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to express their interests and preferences. When someone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
an international popular product, it means that this person is keen to follow global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
. If this has become an increasing attitude between individuals, it will wipe their culture identities to adopt the
newly
coming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
. It is common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
for instance
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all over the world wearing the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and abandoning their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
costumes.
Eventually
this cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
at choice of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and it will expand to dominate all aspects of life and pale all cultural richness.

In conclusion
, if individuals all over the globe shop for the same items, this development will have harmful potentials on national businesses and will eclipse their cultural identity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The chart shows the percentage of males and females in Australia who were overweight from 1980 to 2010 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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