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The chart shoes the number of visitors to a local cinema last year according to age Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The chart shoes the number of visitors to a local cinema last year according to age
Jobs are required for survival. With very limited jobs and explosion of population, things are getting difficult. Nowadays, jobs are unable to accommodate everyone. Younger audience is more favoured than the older ones. This creates a huge divide and gap. We shall discuss in the essay as to the problems faced when jobs are limited and the younger crowd are more preferred. The biggest problem caused is unemployment. Companies are kicking the people out of jobs. The real deal is the graduates who come with a huge drive to do well. They ultimately are hired over anyone else. The stability of the team goes for a toss when a new replaces the old. For example, many IT companies across the globe are removing the people who hold senior positions in the firm. Moreover, the main reason is cost cutting and the need for fresh talent. Finally, this phenomena needs to be stopped. Many people at the age of 50 and beyond are jobless. This needs to be curbed with practical solutions. The possible solutions could be generating more employment in the country. Everyone needs to be accommodated. In such an ideal scenario no generation would have to compete for the same jobs. However, this solution has its own demerits. Another possible solution could be to reduce the retirement age from the current 60 years in India to 55 years. This would free up more jobs for the newer generation. To conclude, real constructive steps need to be taken by the government to ensure this world has enough job opportunities and employment to offer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
are required
for survival. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and explosion of population, things are getting difficult. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are unable to accommodate everyone. Younger audience is more
Possible spelling mistake. 'favoured' is British English.
favoured
than the older ones. This creates a huge divide and gap. We shall discuss in the essay as to the problems faced when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are limited
and the younger crowd are more preferred.

The biggest problem caused is unemployment.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
are kicking the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. The real deal is the graduates who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with a huge drive to do well. They
ultimately
are hired
over anyone else. The stability of the team goes for a toss when
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a new
replaces the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
across the globe are removing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who hold senior positions in the firm.
Moreover
, the main reason is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
cost cutting
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for fresh talent.
Finally
,
Did you mean "these"?
this
phenomena
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at the age of 50 and beyond are jobless. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to
be curbed
with practical solutions.

The possible solutions could be generating more employment in the country. Everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to
be accommodated
. In such an ideal scenario no generation would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete for the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
However
, this solution has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
demerits. Another possible solution could be to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the retirement age from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
60 years in India to 55 years. This would free up more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for the newer generation.

To conclude
, real constructive steps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
be taken
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to ensure this world has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities and employment to offer.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart shoes the number of visitors to a local cinema last year according to age

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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