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the chart below shows the total of volume of telephone calls ( in million minutes) in Denmark, devided into three categories, from 1995 to 2004 v.1

the chart below shows the total of volume of telephone calls ( in million minutes) in Denmark, devided into three categories, from 1995 to 2004 v. 1
There is a prediction about a lower percentage of younger individuals than older people in a many different nations in the upcoming future. While this trend could be positive to some extent, I would argue that it is more negative for the future world. On the one hand, there would be more benefits for countries in having more elder citizens. First, longevity of citizens is seen as a symbol of social progress and it reflects the advancement of medical science and the improvement to people's welfare. For instance, Japanese life span is currently lengthening by advanced medical treatment and well-manufactured food and drug processing. Second, elder people uphold the traditional values and process rich experience, which is extraordinarily valuable in varied sectors of social life. This can be seen in education which knowledge is accumulated by long time and experienced people can share this to next generations. On the other hand, a higher proportion of older people can pose a series of problems to the society as the whole. Firstly, the tension of the pension systems, which is the major source of older people's income. As the decrease in labour workforce, this can affect to the productivity and slow down the economy for a long term. In addition, aged people are prone to disease, government have to invest a huge amount of national budget on medical and health care system for them. All these impose to a heavy burden on the government and taxpayers. In conclusion, while the increasing percentage of aged population could be beneficial to some extent, I believe that it would be a widespread concern in much of the world.
There is a prediction about a lower percentage of younger individuals than older
people
in a
many
different
nations in the upcoming future. While this trend could be
positive
to
some
extent, I would argue that it is more
negative
for the future world.

On the one hand, there would be more benefits for countries in having
more elder
citizens.
First
, longevity of citizens is
seen
as a symbol of social progress and it reflects the advancement of medical science and the improvement to
people
's welfare.
For instance
, Japanese life span is
currently
lengthening by advanced medical treatment and well-manufactured food and drug processing. Second, elder
people
uphold the traditional values and process rich experience, which is
extraordinarily
valuable in varied sectors of social life. This can be
seen
in education which knowledge
is accumulated
by long time and experienced
people
can share this to
next
generations.

On the other hand
, a higher proportion of older
people
can pose a series of problems to the society as the whole.
Firstly
, the tension of the pension systems, which is the major source of older
people
's income. As the decrease in
labour
workforce, this can affect to the productivity and slow down the economy for a long term.
In addition
, aged
people
are prone to disease,
government
have to
invest a huge amount of national budget on medical and health care system for them. All these impose to a heavy burden on the
government
and taxpayers.

In conclusion
, while the increasing percentage of aged population could be beneficial to
some
extent, I believe that it would be a widespread concern in much of the world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the chart below shows the total of volume of telephone calls ( in million minutes) in Denmark, devided into three categories, from 1995 to 2004 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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