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do you agree or disagree with the following statement, idea that because people are so busy these days, they are capable of doing a few things well v.1

, idea that because people are so busy these days, they are capable of doing a few things well v. 1
In the century of technology, machines and robots gradually replaced human, so in the future some businesses do not need too many workers, as a result, the proportion of unemployment would be increased. There are a number of factors and solutions for employees to prepare for their future. On the one hand, there are millions of people have lost their job because of the development in hi-tech machines and artificial intelligence. For example, some newspaper publishers need to reduce the workers because there is less work for them to do. Moreover, the online newspaper is becoming popular and convenient for the residents, so those employees need to find a new career to get the stable income. Then the increasing of consumers, so in some factories, the employers need to cut the expenses and increase the profits. They decided to replace completely of workers by automated machinery to increase the productivity. On the other hand, there are a significant number of solutions that people can prepare for the changing the job in the future. Initially, the high school students need to think about substantial career or major that they want to do in the future. For instance, some graduated students do not have an occupation, so orientation when they are studying in the high school is necessary. Furthermore, many works have been replaced by technology devices, so there are many occupations would be suitable for the unemployment such as selling products online due to the widespread development of the social networking sites. To sum up, employment increase due to the innovation so the people need to adapt to that issue.
In the century of technology, machines and robots
gradually
replaced human,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
businesses do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers,
as a result
, the proportion of unemployment would
be increased
. There are a number of factors and solutions for employees to prepare for their future.

On the one hand, there are millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have lost their job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the development in hi-tech machines and artificial intelligence.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
newspaper publishers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is less work for them to do.
Moreover
, the online newspaper is becoming popular and convenient for the residents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
those employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to find a new career to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the stable income. Then the increasing of consumers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factories, the employers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the expenses and increase the profits. They decided to replace completely of workers by automated machinery to increase the productivity.

On the other hand
, there are a significant number of solutions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can prepare for the changing the job in the future.
Initially
, the high school students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about substantial career or major that they want to do in the future.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
graduated students do not have an occupation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
orientation when they are studying in the high school is necessary.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
works have
been replaced
by technology devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
occupations would be suitable for the unemployment such as selling products online due to the widespread development of the social networking sites.

To sum up, employment increase due to the innovation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to adapt to that issue.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay , idea that because people are so busy these days, they are capable of doing a few things well v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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