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The chart below shows the sales revenue in dollars at three branches of a bank in the first quarter of 2010. v.1

The chart below shows the sales revenue in dollars at three branches of a bank in the first quarter of 2010. v. 1
In the modern world, many people are willing to include some art subjects such as acting, painting and singing into the school curriculum. However, others feel that educational institutions should only focus on the science and research projects. After pondering this phenomenon, in my opinion, I believe that children should be a versatile, and in this reason, drama and music classes are vital for the children's development. On the one hand, it is true that many children have an opportunity to take craft classes from the non-educational or private organizations. However, some students cannot afford the extra classes. In this regard, schools and universities should provide these courses. Moreover, the craft can speed up the learning process by the creativity of the students. To illustrate, a child who took a creative writing course, is able to acquire new skills faster than the child who did not participate any writing classes. On the other hand, the profession courses can interrupt the studying process. In other words, too much concentration on the creative subjects can take all children attention. Furthermore, children's interest in scientific subjects such as math, physics and chemistry can be negatively influenced by the too much attention to the art. For instance, some parents are keen to encourage their children's willing to take such kinds of courses rather than scientific classes. In conclusion, although creative subjects can expand children's horizons, leading to creativity, some people believe that this route can also negatively impact on the learners' interest in science. However, personally, in my opinion, school syllabus should contain art courses. In addition to this, these classes are extremely useful for developing interpersonal skills such as communication and collaboration with friends.
In the modern world,
many
people
are willing to include
some
art
subjects
such as acting, painting and singing into the school curriculum.
However
, others feel that educational institutions should
only
focus on the science and research projects. After pondering this phenomenon, in my opinion, I believe that children should be a versatile, and in this reason, drama and music
classes
are vital for the
children's
development.

On the one hand, it is true that
many
children have an opportunity to take craft
classes
from the non-educational or private organizations.
However
,
some
students cannot afford the extra
classes
. In this regard, schools and universities should provide these
courses
.
Moreover
, the craft can
speed up
the learning process by the creativity of the students. To illustrate, a child who took a creative writing
course
, is able to acquire new
skills
faster than the child who did not participate any writing classes.

On the other hand
, the profession
courses
can interrupt the studying process.
In other words
, too much concentration on the creative
subjects
can take all children attention.
Furthermore
,
children's
interest in scientific
subjects
such as math, physics and chemistry can be
negatively
influenced by the too much attention to the art.
For instance
,
some
parents are keen to encourage their
children's
willing to take such kinds of
courses
rather
than scientific classes.

In conclusion
, although creative
subjects
can expand
children's
horizons, leading to creativity,
some
people
believe that this route can
also
negatively
impact on the learners' interest in science.
However
,
personally
, in my opinion, school syllabus should contain art
courses
.
In addition
to this, these
classes
are
extremely
useful for developing interpersonal
skills
such as communication and collaboration with friends.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the sales revenue in dollars at three branches of a bank in the first quarter of 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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