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The table below gives information about a restaurant’s average sales in three different branches in 2016. v.1

The table below gives information about a restaurant’s average sales in three different branches in 2016. v. 1
It is very common that young people regularly change their jobs. There are several reasons why they keep changing jobs all the time. I think the cause are they do not know what kind of jobs they really want to do and they are not satisfied with the current job. It seems to me that many young adults regularly change their jobs because they realize the jobs are boring and unchallenged, even they may doubt whether they should do this job. But, if they often shift from a job to another it will have some problems. If you jump ship and leave your job, you risk loss of current employee benefits and have no guarantee of steady income, contributing spouses or partners excluded. So you may have a serious finical pressure before you find the next available vacancy. Additionally, social competition becomes more severe and high unemployment rate is very common now, hence before switching a job they should think carefully. In contrast, it is not too hard for young people to get constant income if they stick to their jobs. After several year workforce experience they may promote to senior position and take more responsibility. Concentrating on their jobs also bring some benefits to them. For example, it can develop their professional skills and build their confidence which help them to get better achievement. At the same time, they are able to pay more attention to service their family duties in their spare time. In conclusion, young people change jobs in various reasons, but I suggest they should think carefully before change a job. Focusing on the current one that is right choose, it may be difficult, but it worthy to put effort on it.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
regularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. There are several reasons why they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
all the time. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the cause are they do not know what kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
they
really
want to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
they are not satisfied with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
job.

It seems to me that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults
regularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they realize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are boring and unchallenged, even they may doubt whether they should do this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
shift from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to another it will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems. If you jump ship and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
loss of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
employee benefits and have no guarantee of steady income, contributing spouses or partners excluded.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
you may have a serious finical pressure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
you find the
next
available vacancy.
Additionally
, social competition becomes more severe and high unemployment rate is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
hence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
switching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
carefully
.

In contrast
, it is not too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
constant income if they stick to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. After several year workforce experience they may promote to senior position and take more responsibility. Concentrating on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
also
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to them.
For example
, it can develop their professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and build their confidence which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better achievement. At the same time, they are able to pay more attention to service their family duties in their spare time.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in various reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I suggest they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
carefully
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Focusing on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
one
that is
right
Consider using a past participle here: "chosen".
choose
, it may be difficult,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
It seems that a verb is missing after "it". Please verify.
it
worthy to put effort on it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The table below gives information about a restaurant’s average sales in three different branches in 2016. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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