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Nowadays, some universities offer graduate students skills that assist to find employment, but some people believe the main function of a university should be to access knowledge for its sake. What's your opinion? v.1

Nowadays, some universities offer graduate students skills that assist to find employment, but some people believe the main function of a university should be to access knowledge for its sake. What's your opinion? v. 1
The job of movie stars, musicians or sports stars are the dream job of majority of people especially teenagers. However, I entirely agree that this kind of job should be paid too much money compared to other types of jobs. Analyzing the phenomenon of highly paid of celebrities and said what kind of jobs deserve to be well-paid. Firstly, celebrities like models, sports stars and musicians should be paid well due to their short career. For example, the career of football players are finished in early age. Between 30 to 35 years-old on average. Similarly to models. Although their successful career, most entertainers have been struggling to find new assignment when they become older, they would have no revenue as a result. That is why celebrities should be highly paid to insure their future by making project. Take the example of football players in Tunisia. They run coffee shop. On the other hand, there are other occupations are very important in our life but they are neglected. For instance, the field of medicine. I think doctors and nurses deserve to have higher salaries. If we take the example of doctors' position, sometimes they work 24 hours per day a stretch. It is clear that their profession is the most noble job in the world because they save human life. Their role is vital in our life, that is why the government should give them more attention. To conclude, entertainers, doctors or whatever is the kind of job must be well-paid. Because an income is the only assurance of human life. And I think it is the responsibility of the government to cater well income to its citizens.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
of movie stars, musicians or sports stars are the dream
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
of
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
However
, I
entirely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much money compared to other types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Analyzing the phenomenon of
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
of celebrities and said what kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
deserve to be well-paid.

Firstly
, celebrities like models, sports stars and musicians should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well due to their short career.
For example
, the career of football players
are finished
in early age.
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "Between 30 and 35".
Between 30 to 35
years-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
on average.
Similarly
to models. Although their successful career, most entertainers have been struggling to find new assignment when they become older, they would have no revenue
as a result
.
That is
why celebrities should be
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to insure their future by making project. Take the example of football players in Tunisia. They run coffee shop.

On the other hand
, there are other occupations are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
are neglected
.
For instance
, the field of medicine. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
doctors and nurses deserve to have higher salaries. If we take the example of doctors' position,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they work 24 hours per day a stretch. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that their profession is the most noble
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they save human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Their role is vital in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
that is
why the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should give them more attention.

To conclude
, entertainers, doctors or whatever is the kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be well-paid.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
an income is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
assurance of human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. And I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is the responsibility of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to cater well income to its citizens.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Nowadays, some universities offer graduate students skills that assist to find employment, but some people believe the main function of a university should be to access knowledge for its sake. What's your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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