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The chart below shows the annual number of rentals and sales(in various formats) of films from a particular store between 2002 to 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The chart below shows the annual number of rentals and sales(in various formats) of films from a particular store between 2002 to 2011.
The growth of any organization depends upon the people who work in it. Due to this, hiring the right candidates becomes a vital task for any company. Every applicant has a different persona, skills and qualifications, so the employer has to decide if he would like to focus on the individual qualities, or he would like to prioritize the educational qualifications and work experience. In my opinion, the recruiter should give the utmost importance to the applicant’s persona. In this essay, I will share my view for the same with relevant examples. One of the most important qualities, the employer should look into an applicant is his dedication and commitment. Even if the employee lacks skill set for the required job, if the employee is focused on completing his task, there is a very high probability that he would be able to complete it with his unrelenting efforts. For example, in many companies, there are a large number of older employees who lack the dedication and zeal for their job, which results in poor performance and unsatisfied jobs. All industries are changing rapidly, due to the advancements in the fields of science and technology. As a result the employer also needs to make sure the applicant possesses the characteristics of a quick learner. To illustrate, in the computer industry if an employee can only work on one specific programming language. He would be considered less valuable compared to a junior who can quickly learn and understand new programming languages. This is because, the junior employee would be more versatile and can take on a larger set of varied tasks. To sum up, every organization has a different set of requirements and priorities when recruiting new employees. However, personal characteristics like dedication, commitment and quick learning are way more important than educational background and work experiences. As the candidate with these qualities would be more hardworking and versatile compared to others.
The growth of any organization depends upon the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in it. Due to this, hiring the right candidates becomes a vital task for any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
persona,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and qualifications,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the employer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
decide if he would like to focus on the individual qualities, or he would like to prioritize the educational qualifications and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience. In my opinion, the recruiter should give the utmost importance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant’s
persona. In this essay, I will share my view for the same with relevant examples.

One of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
qualities, the employer should look into an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
is his dedication and commitment. Even if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
lacks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
set for the required job, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is focused
on completing his task, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high probability that he would be able to complete it with his unrelenting efforts.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, there are
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
who lack the dedication and zeal for their job, which results in poor performance and unsatisfied jobs.

All industries are changing
rapidly
, due to the advancements in the fields of science and technology.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result the employer
also
needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
possesses the characteristics of a quick learner. To illustrate, in the computer industry if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on one specific programming language. He would
be considered
less valuable compared to a junior who can
quickly
learn and understand new programming languages. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, the junior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
would be more versatile and can take on a larger set of varied tasks.

To sum up, every organization has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
set of requirements and priorities when recruiting new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
However
, personal characteristics like dedication, commitment and quick learning are way more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than educational background and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experiences. As the candidate with these qualities would be more hardworking and versatile compared to others.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the annual number of rentals and sales(in various formats) of films from a particular store between 2002 to 2011.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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