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Describe a TV commercial you like very much. you should talk about: what factory sponsors thatwhat it is aboutwhat is shown in thatwhy you like it very much. v.1

Describe a TV commercial you like very much. you should talk about: what factory sponsors thatwhat it is aboutwhat is shown in thatwhy you like it very much. v. 1
The fact remains that many developed countries are experiencing substantial increases in ageing population. While I accept that this trend sometimes has negative impacts on society, I believe that it is more likely to have positive aspects. One of the major challenges of the elderly population growth is that it puts a heavy burden on the healthcare system. Older people are more vulnerable to chronic diseases, such as heart attacks or diabetes, that require expensive long-term treatments. Consequently, the government might have to devote a larger budget to healthcare in order to meet the needs of ageing population. Another drawback of longer life expectancy is that there will be relatively more people claiming pension benefits and less people working and paying income taxes, which affects government spending and the economy as a whole. The greatest merit of the increase in ageing population is that older people can be a source of wise words and sage advice on dealing with and enjoying life to its fullest. For instance, Donald Trump, who leads the USA, is an outstanding 73-year-old president with an excellent knowledge about the world economy. Moreover, the experiences acquired by seniors can be utilised by individuals. In this way, many people can make their life trouble free and become successful so young. A further benefit is that a long life can help many old people to pursue the dreams that they were not able to fulfil when they were younger. In conclusion, I believe that the benefits of increase in life expectancy outweigh its drawbacks. Of course, it will be a costly burden on society in several ways, but the society is nothing without the people in it.
The fact remains that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
are experiencing substantial increases in
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. While I accept that this trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on society, I believe that it is more likely to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects.

One of the major challenges of the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth is that it puts a heavy burden on the healthcare system. Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more vulnerable to chronic diseases, such as heart attacks or diabetes, that require expensive long-term treatments.
Consequently
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
devote a larger budget to healthcare in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the needs of
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. Another drawback of longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy is that there will be
relatively
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claiming pension benefits and
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun people is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working and paying income taxes, which affects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spending and the economy as a whole.

The greatest merit of the increase in
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be a source of wise words and sage advice on dealing with and enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to its fullest.
For instance
, Donald Trump, who leads the USA, is an outstanding 73-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
president with an excellent knowledge about the world economy.
Moreover
, the experiences acquired by seniors can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
by individuals. In this way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
trouble free and become successful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
young. A
further
benefit is that a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to pursue the dreams that they were not able to fulfil when they were younger.

In conclusion
, I believe that the benefits of increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy outweigh its drawbacks.
Of course
, it will be a costly burden on society in several ways,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the society is nothing without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in it.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Describe a TV commercial you like very much. you should talk about: what factory sponsors thatwhat it is aboutwhat is shown in thatwhy you like it very much. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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