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Some people argue that the government should give every unemployed person a mobile phone and should and make sure they have access to the internet. They believe this is the best way to use public money to reduce the problem of unemployment. To what extent d v.1

Some people argue that the government should give every unemployed person a mobile phone and should and make sure they have access to the internet. They believe this is the best way to use public money to reduce the problem of unemployment. 1
Everybody has equal rights on government's funding. Although, there is a debate going on, whether the government should finance private education institute or not. In my opinion, it is not the government's responsibility to support the private schools. In this essay we will discuss on why academic fund should be limited to the public schools only. Firstly, admission fees in the private schools are much higher compared to the government school. Also, parents are spending extra on this type of schools so that their children can participate in other activities. For example, there are charges for the students to be a part of a basketball team after school and they will be given proper training on the same. However, public schools are totally dependent on limited government funding and in this also if there is a share, it would become difficult to provide good education to poor children. Secondly, the number of students in a public school will be more as not everybody can afford higher fees. And with the limited financial aid from the government, it will be very difficult for academic administrators to get good certified teachers for their schools due to their higher wage expectations. For instance, the professors in public school are very demanding in terms of money as they have more number of students to teach and have to work hard when compared to private school. Whereas in private school, the law does not apply and they can hire teachers who are not certified and have lower payroll. In conclusion, entire society should be treated equally by the law. However, when it comes to education, already private schools are demanding more from the parents. Therefore, only the public school should be given monetary attention by the government.
Everybody has equal rights on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's funding. Although, there is a debate going on, whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should finance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
education institute or not. In my opinion, it is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's responsibility to support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In this essay we will discuss on why academic fund should
be limited
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.

Firstly
, admission fees in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are much higher compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Also
, parents are spending extra on this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that their children can participate in other activities.
For example
, there are charges for the students to be a part of a basketball team after
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
they will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
proper training on the same.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
totally
dependent on limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
funding and in this
also
if there is a share, it would become difficult to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education to poor children.

Secondly
, the number of students in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will be more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
not everybody can afford higher fees. And with the limited financial aid from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for academic administrators to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
certified teachers for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
due to their higher wage expectations.
For instance
, the professors in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
demanding in terms of money as they have more number of students to teach and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
when compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Whereas in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, the law does not
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
apply and
they can hire teachers who are not certified and have lower payroll.

In conclusion
, entire society should
be treated
equally
by the law.
However
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to education, already
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are demanding more from the parents.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
monetary attention by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people argue that the government should give every unemployed person a mobile phone and should and make sure they have access to the internet. They believe this is the best way to use public money to reduce the problem of unemployment. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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