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The chart below show information about the challenges people face when they go to live in other countries. v.1

The chart below show information about the challenges people face when they go to live in other countries. v. 1
In this day and age, that children are adapting to changes in the globalization era leads to changes in eating habits and lifestyles, which are different from those of the previous generation. In response, some have said that it is such a negative trend as it has negative impacts on our health, which I totally agree with. Nowadays, there has been a growing trend that children are prone to eating junk foods which are sold in every corner of a city such as hamburgers and snacks. The foods sold are very unhygienic and poisonous which will lead to stomach sickness. Furthermore, those kinds of food are low in nutrition, high in fat and calories which creates obesity and malnutrition at a very early age. In the past, parents really cared about their children's habit of eating and they always prepared healthy dishes at home for their children to consume nutritious food which useful for their brain. Moreover, the way of living and addiction to modern technology has created a huge effect on children. Most children and teenagers, these days, are having a sedentary lifestyle. Instead of being engaged in physical activities, they spend most of their free time playing games and watching TV. As a result, there has been an increase in the number of children who encountered eye problems and backache at a very young age. In contrast, children in the past were much more active when spending more time on sports and cultural activities like dancing, singing and playing which made them very fit and could get more involved with their neighbors and society. All in all, it should be put in our attention that children's activities nowadays are different from several years ago. Parents should take it into consideration to encourage their children to participate in outdoor activities and change their eating habits by consuming more healthy and nutritious food.
In this day and age, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are adapting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the globalization era leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
habits and lifestyles, which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from those of the previous generation. In response,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
have said that it is such a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend as it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on our health, which I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with.

Nowadays, there has been a growing trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are prone to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which
are sold
in every corner of a city such as hamburgers and snacks. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
sold are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unhygienic and poisonous which will lead to stomach sickness.
Furthermore
, those kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are low in nutrition, high in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and calories which creates obesity and malnutrition at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early age. In the past, parents
really
cared about their children's habit of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
eating and
they always prepared healthy dishes at home for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to consume nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which useful for their brain.

Moreover
, the way of living and addiction to modern technology has created a huge effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, these days, are having a sedentary lifestyle.
Instead
of
being engaged
in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, they spend most of their free time playing games and watching TV.
As a result
, there has been an increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who encountered eye problems and backache at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the past were much more active when spending more time on sports and cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like dancing, singing and playing which made them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fit and could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more involved with their neighbors and society.

All in all, it should
be put
in our attention that children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
nowadays are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from several years ago. Parents should take it into consideration to encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
habits by consuming more healthy and nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below show information about the challenges people face when they go to live in other countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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