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The cgar below shows the total number of minutes in billions of teephone calls in the UK divided into three categories from 1995 2002 v.1

The cgar below shows the total number of minutes in billions of teephone calls in the UK divided into three categories from 1995 2002 v. 1
In the early twentieth century, due to the industrialization and urbanization the accessibility to amenities, education, and jobs increased in towns so much that people started migrating from rural areas to urban regions. Expecting to come back, these people move and leave behind their aged parents. This essay discusses the issues related to migration and solutions to overcome. To begin with, predominant factors behind issues caused by the migrations are that in these towns the average age of the workforce decreases and thus causing a decrease in the development of these areas. Unavailability of the workforce causes the small scale industries to move out of these towns. Transportation to and from these places are removed as they make no profit to government. The people of these areas have to depend totally on low staffed local law enforcement and they may have to travel long distances for chronic health issues, which may lead to increase in fatalities. Crime rates are increased and due to low human contact and bonding, drug addiction, stress and depression increases. A recent research on crime across US stated that the violent crime rate in rural areas is 20% more than the cities. Nevertheless, there are potential ways to solve these issues, people should return to the countryside where they came from once they achieve their goals. They have to start developing their communities so that the young generation can stay in the same areas and don't have to migrate to cities. The local and state government should work together to develop accessibility to developed areas and also the areas near these countryside should be developed. In order to curb migration, self sustained small to large scale industries should be developed in these areas. In conclusion, young people are the future that needs the support and wisdom of the older generation. Neglecting the old may lead to adverse effects for the developed and undeveloped nations the same way.
In the early twentieth century, due to the industrialization and urbanization the accessibility to amenities, education, and jobs increased in towns
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
migrating from rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to urban regions. Expecting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
behind their aged parents. This essay discusses the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
related to migration and solutions to overcome.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, predominant factors behind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
caused by the migrations are that in these towns the average age of the workforce decreases and
thus
causing a decrease in the development of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Unavailability of the workforce causes the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
scale industries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out of these towns. Transportation to and from these places
are removed
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
no profit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
depend
totally
on low staffed local law
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
enforcement and
they may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
travel long distances for chronic health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
, which may lead to increase in fatalities. Crime rates
are increased
and due to low human contact and bonding, drug addiction,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and depression increases. A recent research on crime across US stated that the violent crime rate in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is 20% more than the cities.

Nevertheless
, there are potential ways to solve these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should return to the countryside where they came from once they achieve their goals. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
developing their communities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the young generation can stay in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and don't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
migrate to cities. The local and state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should work together to develop accessibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
near
Did you mean "this countryside" or "these countrysides"?
these countryside
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
. In order to curb migration,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self sustained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
to large scale industries should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
in these areas.

In conclusion
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the future that needs the support and wisdom of the older generation. Neglecting the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
may lead to adverse effects for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
and undeveloped nations the same way.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The cgar below shows the total number of minutes in billions of teephone calls in the UK divided into three categories from 1995 2002 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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