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The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. v.1

The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. v. 1
Spending quality moments with parents is very important, but it's not like that kids should spend all of their spare time chit chatting with them. Every coin has two sides. The Majority of people would agree with this point and there would a few who would disagree. In my opinion, there should be a fair distribution of their break time. We shall be discussing both the views in following paragraphs. First of all, the energy invested in relationship never get wasted. Because family bonding is equally important. By having a short break with their guardian children can learn about their family history. For example: A recent study has shown that kids who spend their time with aged members in the family, have known their grand parents or great grand parent better than their Father or Mother. Furthermore, there should be proper use of the moment when they have nothing to do, it should not be contributed at one place. As a parent it is our duty to make their fun duration useful. This can be done by making them to learn various household chores by playway method. For example: Asking them to clean their room by themselves. This way they will understand the value and importance of keeping their surroundings clean. To summarize, children learn from their family first. Their environment plays an important role in building their character, they learn what they see. Therefore, I recommend that break from studies should be fairly distributed among various activities at home.
Spending quality moments with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's not like that kids should spend all of their spare time
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
chit chatting
with them. Every coin has two sides. The Majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point and there would a few who would disagree. In my opinion, there should be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
distribution of their break time. We shall be discussing both the views in following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the energy invested in relationship never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
wasted.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bonding is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. By having a short break with their guardian children can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
history.
For example
: A recent study has shown that kids who spend their time with aged members in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, have known their grand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or great grand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
better than their Father or Mother.

Furthermore
, there should be proper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the moment when they have nothing to do, it should not
be contributed
at one place.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
it is our duty to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their fun duration useful. This can
be done
by making them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
various household chores by
Possible spelling mistake found.
playway
method.
For example
: Asking them to clean their room by themselves. This way they will understand the value and importance of keeping their surroundings clean.

To summarize
, children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
first
. Their environment plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in building their character, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.
Therefore
, I recommend that break from studies should be
fairly
distributed among various activities at home.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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