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The best way to crime committed by young adults is to teach parents parenting skills. To what extent do you agree? v.1

The best way to crime committed by young adults is to teach parents parenting skills. v. 1
Increasingly more people are now opting to run their own businesses rather than being employed. In my opinion, despite its challenges, being self-employed is more advantageous due to a number of reasons. It is generally believed that there are two main benefits of being your own boss. The primary advantage is the flexible working hours. When running a business, individuals do not have to follow a rigid working schedule, instead they can determine the hours at their own convenience. This gives being self-employed a distinct edge over working for an organization. Another benefit, obviously, lies in the monetary aspect. Business owners, unlike many traditional workers, rarely face a financial difficulty in which people try to make ends meet between the paydays. Moreover, by making a greater effort, they can boost their income without sharing it the second party. Despite the positive elements mentioned above, entrepreneurs may face several problems. Firstly, any start-up requires a great deal of initial capital, that is, the money needed to set up a business. Even when the first investment is made, success is not guaranteed. According to official statistics, half the new businesses are believed to fail in their first couple of years due to unmatched expectations. Secondly, those running their own business tend to be under considerable pressure, having to make vital decisions on a regular basis. This overwhelming responsibility is likely to put a strain on the individual. In conclusion, although working for oneself might pose potential threats to health, it gives freedom in terms of time and money. One should put a lot of thinking before deciding to start their business.
Increasingly
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
opting to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
rather
than
being employed
. In my opinion, despite its challenges, being self-employed is more advantageous due to a number of reasons.

It is
generally
believed that there are two main benefits of being your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
boss. The primary advantage is the flexible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours. When running a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, individuals do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow a rigid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
schedule,
instead
they can determine the hours at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
convenience.
Did you mean "these"?
This
gives being self-employed a distinct edge over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for an organization. Another benefit,
obviously
, lies in the monetary aspect.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
owners, unlike
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
traditional workers, rarely face a financial difficulty in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
between the paydays.
Moreover
, by making a greater effort, they can boost their income without sharing it the second party.

Despite the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
elements mentioned above, entrepreneurs may face several problems.
Firstly
, any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up requires a great deal of initial capital,
that is
, the money needed to set up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. Even when the
first
investment
is made
, success is not guaranteed. According to official statistics, half the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
are believed
to fail in their
first
It seems that an article is missing.
couple of
years due to unmatched expectations.
Secondly
, those running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
tend to be under considerable pressure, having to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
vital decisions on a regular basis. This overwhelming responsibility is likely to put a strain on the individual.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for oneself might pose potential threats to health, it gives freedom in terms of time and money. One should put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
thinking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
deciding to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay The best way to crime committed by young adults is to teach parents parenting skills. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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