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The bar graph compares the amount of coffee and meat consumed each year by Norway, France, Germany, USA, Russia, China and Japan. v.1

The bar graph compares the amount of coffee and meat consumed each year by Norway, France, Germany, USA, Russia, China and Japan. v. 1
The majority of the people in today's era are not as healthy and energetic as they used to be in the early times. Development of technology has played a vital role for their sedentary lifestyle. However, there are viable solutions to overcome this problem. Firstly, the evolution of technology has made people laid back. In other words, people in the past used to do their daily chores themselves. This trend was useful to keep them more fit and active than the people in the present whose major reliance is on devices to perform their day to day tasks. For example, it was reported in The Daily newspaper that people who do their work solely, lives a long and healthy life. Secondly, physical activites and outdoor games used to be a norm in the early times. Nowadays, while the grown ups are busy working hard to make both ends meet, children are more into online games. As a result, it was reported by a survey conducted by a group of students from The Harvard university that the excessive use of technology is affecting the overall health, leaving people lazy and inoperative as opposed to the ones in the past. There are two effective solutions to curb the issue of an inactive way of living. One way to tackle this is to restrict the use of tablets and mobile phones. By doing this, people will make an effort to do their work with their own hands, which will eventually boost their energy. Another method of dealing with the sedentary lifestyle is to provide exercise opportunities at the workplaces. This method will help people overcome their stress and laziness, guiding them towards a healthy setup. To conclude, there is no doubt that people in the past were more fit as compared to people nowadays because of their limited resources. However, it is recommended to perform minor alterations in the modern life schedule in order to lead a happy and healthy life.
The majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's era are not as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and energetic as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be in the early times. Development of technology has played a vital role for their sedentary lifestyle.
However
, there are viable solutions to overcome this problem.

Firstly
, the evolution of technology has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
laid back.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do their daily chores themselves. This trend was useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them more fit and active than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the present whose major reliance is on devices to perform their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
tasks.
For example
, it
was reported
in The Daily newspaper that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do their work
solely
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
a long and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life.

Secondly
, physical
Possible spelling mistake found.
activites
and outdoor games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be a norm in the early times. Nowadays, while the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
are busy working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
both ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, children are more into online games.
As a result
, it
was reported
by a survey conducted by a group of students from The
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
that the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technology is affecting the
overall
health, leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lazy and inoperative as opposed to the ones in the past.

There are two effective solutions to curb the issue of an inactive way of living. One way to tackle this is to restrict the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of tablets and mobile phones. By doing this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to do their work with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hands, which will
eventually
boost their energy. Another method of dealing with the sedentary lifestyle is to provide exercise opportunities at the workplaces. This method will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
overcome their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and laziness, guiding them towards a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
setup.

To conclude
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past were more fit as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their limited resources.
However
, it
is recommended
to perform minor alterations in the modern life schedule in order to lead a happy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The bar graph compares the amount of coffee and meat consumed each year by Norway, France, Germany, USA, Russia, China and Japan. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
328 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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