Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The bar charts below show how often people in three age groups did various different evening activities in 1980 and 2010. v.1

The bar charts below show how often people in three age groups did various different evening activities in 1980 and 2010. v. 1
Man is a social being and has to be in constant contact with others in the society. There are some values and characteristics that a person has to learn in order to blend well with the society. On one hand, there are people who believe that it is parents who should teach their children these values to be a good member of the society. On the other hand, there are others who believe that the school is the place to learn these values. This essay will discuss both these views in detail. Starting from the birth up to the start of preschool, parents are the only ones in constant contact with the baby. The initial few years of the child’s development are very crucial, as this is the phase where the child’s nature and personality is sculpted. So, the parents can mould their nature and character to be a better person in adulthood. As they grow older, the children mimic and adapt their parent’s behaviour and nature. For instance, children imitate a gesture as simple as saying ‘thank you’ or ‘please’. All these minute gestures are noted and engraved in the child’s personality for life. This ultimately causes them to live happily and peacefully in the community. The other train of thought is the belief of the school being the learning ground for children to be a better member of society. Once the child begins going to school, he has to socialize and interact with teachers and peers. This teaches him how to behave and adapt to the other people’s nature in the community. In case the child faces an issue or problem in getting along with the other children, there are teachers who can intervene and guide him. In conclusion, I believe that though, the school provides a vast experience to the child about the life in society, it is the parents who create and sculpt the base of child’s character and personality. This further leads to them being a a good member of the society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Man
is a social being and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be in constant contact with others in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
values and characteristics that a person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
learn in order to blend well with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. On one hand, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
should teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these values to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
member of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the place to learn these values. This essay will discuss both these views in detail.

Starting from the birth up to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of preschool,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
ones in constant contact with the baby. The initial few years of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
development are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial, as this is the phase where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
and personality
is sculpted
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
and character to be a better person in adulthood. As they grow older, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mimic and adapt their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
imitate a gesture as simple as saying ‘thank you’ or ‘
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
’. All these minute gestures
are noted
and engraved in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
personality for life. This
ultimately
causes them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happily
and
peacefully
in the community.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
train of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is the belief of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
being the learning ground for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be a better member of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Once the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
socialize and interact with teachers and peers. This teaches him how to behave and adapt to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
in the community. In case the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
faces an issue or problem in getting along with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, there are teachers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can intervene and guide him.

In conclusion
, I believe that though, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
provides a vast experience to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
about the life in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
create and sculpt the base of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
character and personality. This
further
leads to them being
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "a" is left.
a a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
member of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar charts below show how often people in three age groups did various different evening activities in 1980 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts