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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers had a greater influence on young people in the past than they do today. v.114

Teachers had a greater influence on young people in the past than they do today. v. 114
Few people are interested in running their own business and wanted to earn their own. But few prefer to work under some employer. I personally prefer to be under someone else instead of working on my own. Let's see, my explanation in the passage below. Earning through a job keeps you in a risk-free position and the growth is guaranteed if we put our full efforts. Following manager instructions without mistakes can take an employee position to a higher level quickly than expected. Working hours will be fixed which helps to upgrade ourselves in the profile we are working on. Working under someone also gives an opportunity to be with multi raced people which help to increase communication and knowledge on various topics. For example, one of my friend's working in Canada in a multinational organisation with many colleagues from various countries had given him a chance to learn many languages and learn all sorts of activities they do. Self-employment can be very risky if something goes wrong with the ideas you implement Hence, It is less secured on a longer perspective. A self-employed need to take care a of a lot of things and may need to sacrifice families and relationships. There also might be a need to work in the public holidays and be very attentive for every step we execute. For example, one of my friends ran a stainless-steel company of his own for more than 5 years and with the revolutionary use of plastic, all his business saw a downfall and he finally filed a bankruptcy recently to get relieved. To conclude, even though employment created by own may yield good income, a high risk is involved and can also put under immense pressure. Working under someone will earn less, but it is pain free and always has an option to switch over when required.
Few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are interested
in running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business and wanted to earn their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
few prefer to work under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employer. I
personally
prefer to be under someone else
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, my explanation in the passage below.

Earning through a job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
you in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
-free position and the growth
is guaranteed
if we put our full efforts. Following manager instructions without mistakes can take an employee position to a higher level
quickly
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
hours will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to upgrade ourselves in the profile we are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
on.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
under someone
also
gives an opportunity to be with multi raced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to increase communication and knowledge on various topics.
For example
, one of my friend's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in Canada in a multinational
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
colleagues from various countries had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
him a chance to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
languages and learn all sorts of activities they do.

Self-employment can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
risky if something goes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
you implement

Hence
, It is less secured on a longer perspective. A self-employed need to take care
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things and may need to sacrifice families and relationships. There
also
might be a need to work in the public holidays and be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
attentive for every step we execute.
For example
, one of my friends ran a stainless-steel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
for more than 5 years and with the revolutionary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of plastic, all his business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
downfall and
he
finally
filed a bankruptcy recently to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relieved.

To conclude
,
even though
employment created by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
may yield
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
income, a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
is involved
and can
also
put under immense pressure.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
under someone will earn less,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is pain free and always has an option to switch over when required.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Teachers had a greater influence on young people in the past than they do today. v. 114

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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