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The Bar Chart shows CO2 emissions for different form of transport in the European Union. The pie chart shows the percentage of European Union funds being spent on different forms of transport. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples v.1

The Bar Chart shows CO2 emissions for different form of transport in the European Union. The pie chart shows the percentage of European Union funds being spent on different forms of transport. 1
It is reported that motor vehicle accidents tend to increase annually; therefore, it is necessary for governments worldwide to apply proper strategies to prevent them. Some people suggest that governments should increase the minimum legal age to obtain the legal drive license in order to enhance road safety. I strongly agree with this suggestion and the essay will discuss my view. To begin with, increasing the minimum age to be a legal driver is crucial to promote road safety worldwide. Firstly, teenagers usually have fragile mental capacities which make them high-risk drivers. Nowadays, due to complex traffic systems worldwide, especially in inner cities, it is difficult for the youth to control their mood during urgent situations because of their immature brains and lack of patience. They also are vulnerable to nurture bad habits such as drinking or doing drugs before driving.  Moreover,  mental health issues like depression or anxiety are more common among teenagers which may contribute to the detrimental efficacy on their fitness for driving.  As a result, they may practice restless driving, which would not only endanger their lives, but also put others' lives at risk. Therefore, it is mandatory to restrict to at least 18 years old or older for applicants to attempt driving test. However, in certain situations, for example, in the region with low population density or low traffic volume, the driving situation is a friend to the new drivers; therefore, governments may legalize that the age of 17 or 16 years old is the minimum age to obtain driving license. There is no excuse to prohibit the youth from driving if they are physically and mentally mature enough and pass all legal driving tests. In conclusion, regulating the minimum age for the youth to attend driving tests will enhance safety driving due to the above reasons.  Besides, in order to keep motor vehicle accident as low as possible to promote safe driving, governments should import and implicate heavy penalty and strict regulation again the defaulter as well. Proper driving rules will promote national happiness of the public.
It
is reported
 that motor vehicle accidents tend to increase
annually
;
therefore
, it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
worldwide to apply proper strategies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
age to obtain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
drive license in order to enhance road safety. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this suggestion and the essay will discuss my view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
to be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
driver is crucial to promote road safety worldwide.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
usually
have fragile mental capacities which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
drivers. Nowadays, due to complex traffic systems worldwide,
especially
in inner cities, it is difficult for the youth to control their mood during urgent situations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their immature brains and lack of patience. They
also
are vulnerable to nurture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as drinking or doing drugs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
.  
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
mental health issues like depression or anxiety are more common among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
 which may contribute to the detrimental efficacy on their fitness for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
.  
As a result
, they may practice restless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
, which would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
endanger their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
put others'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
 at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
Therefore
, it is mandatory to restrict to at least 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
or older for applicants to attempt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
.

However
, in certain situations,
for example
, in the region with low population density or low traffic volume, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
situation is a friend to the new drivers;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
may legalize that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 17 or 16 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
to obtain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
license. There is no excuse to prohibit the youth from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
if they are
physically
and mentally mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and pass all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
.

In conclusion
, regulating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for the youth to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
will enhance safety
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
due to the above reasons.  
Besides
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
motor vehicle accident as low as possible to promote safe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should import and implicate heavy penalty and strict regulation again the defaulter
as well
. Proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
will promote national happiness of the public.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The Bar Chart shows CO2 emissions for different form of transport in the European Union. The pie chart shows the percentage of European Union funds being spent on different forms of transport. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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