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The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v.1

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 1
Some parents advise their offsprings to do a part-time work in their off school periods. There are many goods as well as drawbacks regarding this decision. The essay below will shine more light on it. Firstly, the role of previous experience is very important in life. Many children who have the opportunity to do some jobs when they are less busy with studies gain good knowledge that will eventually help them when they are are finally out of college and become fully employed. This encourages doing well at the office which might result in promotions and awards. More so, kids make some money from doing a minor job at their leisure time. This fund can be channelled into getting some textbooks or other materials necessary for their academic excellence. Again, the proceeds can also be used to get some fancy things for themselves. For instance, my nephew used the payment he got from arranging books at the public library to get himself a light-up sneakers. He was so happy. However, having mentioned the advantages of some side gigs by kids, it is worthy of note that many young people can derail and lose focus on their studies. A good example is a child who dropped out of school to become an entertainer just because he was amazed at the amount of money he made from participating in a drama during summer holiday. Also, exposing children to work rather than allowing them to socialize with their friends at their free period will make them lose that expect of life which is very important in intellectual growth. For instance, a kid that does not have time to play and have fun with other kids will not have friends, and might end up with having depression. To conclude, in as much as getting a part-time job will have some good effects on a child, it is important to balance our expectations with the fact that it has some detrimental outcomes as well. This should be put into consideration before making a decision.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
parents advise their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to do a part-time work in their off school periods. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
as well
as drawbacks regarding this decision. The essay below will shine more light on it.

Firstly
, the role of previous experience is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
children who have the opportunity to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs when they are less busy with studies gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
knowledge that will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them when they
Possible typo: you repeated a word
are are
finally
out of college and become
fully
employed. This encourages doing well at the office which might result in promotions and awards. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money from doing a minor job at their leisure time. This fund can
be channelled
into getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
textbooks or other materials necessary for their academic excellence. Again, the proceeds can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fancy things for themselves.
For instance
, my nephew
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the payment he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
from arranging books at the public library to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
himself a light-up sneakers. He was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
happy.

However
, having mentioned the advantages of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
side gigs by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, it is worthy of note that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can derail and lose focus on their studies. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
example is a child who dropped out of school to become an entertainer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he
was amazed
at the amount of money he made from participating in a drama during summer holiday.
Also
, exposing children to work
rather
than allowing them to socialize with their friends at their free period will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them lose that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
of life which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in intellectual growth.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
that does not have time to play and have fun with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
will not have friends, and might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with having depression.

To conclude
, in as much as getting a part-time job will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
effects on a child, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to balance our expectations with the fact that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detrimental outcomes
as well
. This should
be put
into consideration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making a decision.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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