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The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010 Summaries the information by selecting and report in the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.2

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010
Many people in this day and age do not actually notice that their daily activities are being kept under constant surveillance by governments, the police and privately owned companies. Is this a development that we should welcome? This essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of this development and my opinion will be presented with supporting evidence. There are various reasons why it might be considered as beneficial to keep track of what people are doing. Firstly, security cameras is getting familiar with human life as they allow people to supervise what is happing in their hourses or workplaces. For example, because of these cameras, it would be a lot easier for employers to know if their employees are neglecting the work without their presence. Moreover, the use of security cameras may also act as a deterrent to criminals. If a crime is carried out, then a camera may provide useful evidence. The same is true for cellphone, the police sometimes rely on call logs to help them trace the whereabouts of suspects or victims. On the other hand, there are a number of concerns. The most negative aspect is clearly a leak of information. This may seem inoffensive to ordinary citizens, the reality is that the use of security cameras and listening devices may strip people of their personal space, especially celebrities since their private messages or movements can probably be exposed to the public at any time by some anonymous people who are able to hack data from those devices. There is also a very different issue we should consider. Nowadays, many people upload personal information and photographs onto networking sites without realizing that how easy it is for other strangers to view this info or for the site owners to use the data and photographs for their own financial gain. In conclusion, it is inevitable that there will be more and more ways to monitor society in the future. However, it is our responsibility to evaluate new technology and decide whether it do more harm than good. I personally believe that the technological progress is not worth losing our freedom.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in this day and age do not actually notice that their daily activities are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
under constant surveillance by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, the police and
privately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. Is this a development that we should welcome? This essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of this development and my opinion will
be presented
with supporting evidence.

There are various reasons why it might
be considered
as beneficial to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are doing.
Firstly
, security
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
is getting familiar with human life as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to supervise what is
Possible spelling mistake found.
happing
in their
Possible spelling mistake found.
hourses
or workplaces.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
, it would be a lot easier for employers to know if their employees are neglecting the work without their presence.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of security
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
may
also
act as a deterrent to criminals. If a crime
is carried
out, then a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
may provide useful evidence. The same is true for cellphone, the police
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
rely on call logs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them trace the whereabouts of suspects or victims.

On the other hand
, there are a number of concerns. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect is
clearly
a leak of information. This may seem inoffensive to ordinary citizens, the reality is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of security
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
and listening devices may strip
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of their personal space,
especially
celebrities since their private messages or movements can
probably
be exposed
to the public at any time by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
anonymous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are able to hack data from those devices. There is
also
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
issue we should consider. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
upload personal information and photographs onto networking sites without realizing that how easy it is for other strangers to view this info or for the site owners to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the data and photographs for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
financial gain.

In conclusion
, it is inevitable that there will be more and more ways to monitor society in the future.
However
, it is our responsibility to evaluate new technology and decide whether it do more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. I
personally
believe that the technological progress is not worth losing our freedom.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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