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The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011. v.1

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011. v. 1
Nurturing of the children plays key role in building the personality and upbringing of becoming a good citizen. It is believed by some people that it is the sole responsibility of parents to teach their pupils how to become a good representative of the company. While, few assume that the academy is the place to learn this. This essay will discuss the both sides of the argument and will provide evidence why the guardians play a role of game changer in teaching them to become a better representative of the public than institute. Child’s education is not about learning information and getting the basic skills. It is about how to behave, how to talk, how to respect the elders, and how to become a responsible person in contributing the progress of the neighbourhood. This starts from their house because children spend almost 18 hours in there and it is the responsibility of parents to educate what is the most important in life and how they can contribute in serving the humanity. For example, the study from the US agency suggest that 85% of the children will become a good citizen and make a profound effect on the nation of their character whose parents are educated and the atmosphere of their accomodation is friendly in contrast to the children who learns in the expensive institution. Thus, parents contribute a greater part in upbringing the pupil’s chance to become a liable part of the association. However, learning the key traits to become a liable citizen can not be achieved in the home alone. There, he enters in wider community where teacher and peers contribute an equal part as parents does. To illustrate this, pupil when reaching at school comes face to face with the same age group, then he can learn how to co-operate with each other and what efforts they can make to bring the prosperity in their community. Overall, the efforts of school to learn the children to work together in the wider community are worth noting but are smaller as compared to the parent’s benefaction. In conclusion, nurturing of the children by parents and in school to become a prominent member of a neighbourhood plays a major role. This essay discussed the both views and in my opinion, parents played a major chunk to make the pupil a better representative of community than institute because of learning the basic adequate and spending maximum amount of their time with parents.
Nurturing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
plays key role in building the personality and upbringing of becoming a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that it is the sole responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
representative of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, few assume that the academy is the place to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
this. This essay will discuss the both sides of the argument and will provide evidence why the guardians play a role of game changer in teaching them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a better representative of the public than institute.

Child’s education is not about learning information and getting the basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. It is about how to behave, how to talk, how to respect the elders, and how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a responsible person in contributing the progress of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend almost 18 hours in there and it is the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to educate what is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in life and how they can contribute in serving the humanity.
For example
, the study from the US agency suggest that 85% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a profound effect on the nation of their character whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are educated
and the atmosphere of their
Possible spelling mistake found.
accomodation
is friendly
in contrast
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "learn"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
learns
in the expensive institution.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
contribute a greater part in upbringing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupil’s
chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a liable part of the association.

However
, learning the key traits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a liable citizen can not
be achieved
in the home alone. There, he enters in wider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
where teacher and peers contribute an equal part as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
does. To illustrate this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupil
when reaching at school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
face to face with the same age group, then he can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to co-operate with each other and what efforts they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
to bring the prosperity in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
Overall
, the efforts of school to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to work together in the wider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
are worth noting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are smaller
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
benefaction.

In conclusion
, nurturing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and in school to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a prominent member of a
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
plays a major role. This essay discussed the both views and in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
played a major chunk to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupil
a better representative of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
than institute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of learning the basic adequate and spending maximum amount of their time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
410 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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