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Today, the high sales of popular consumer good reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Today, the high sales of popular consumer good reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. v. 2
It is believed that international events such as the Olympic Games play a vital role in maintaining world peace and to show nationalism in a proper way. To a certain point, I would agree with the statement, but some fights among the supporters have been reported in past venues. On the one hand, it is true that events such as the World Football Cup or the Commonwealth Games can be used as a tool to maintain the world peace and to show patriotism in a secure way. It can be seen that during international tournaments, athletes from various nations are competing against each other in a supportive way. Although their countries of origin might be at war or conflict, they shake hands and greet each other. And during these moments, the sports people can show their nationalism by giving their best effort in the games, since they are the representative of their own countries. On the other hand, although the tournaments positively affect world peace, sometimes the athletes and the supporters get carried away with their emotions. In certain cases, several athletes had fought against each other because they could not manage their temperament, and the situation had triggered the supporters to fight against each other as well. As a result, it caused some tensions between countries as well. Therefore, many experts have suggested that athletes should be given a proper explanation about controlling their emotions during the games because it could give negative effects to the supporters and the relationship among nations. In conclusion, it is undeniable that international sport & games such as the European Football Cup or SEA Games are an effective tool in easing the tensions among nations, and to show the patriotism in the right way. I personally agree with the statement, but I think it is also important for the athletes to be trained about controlling their emotions.
It
is believed
that international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as the Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
play a vital role in maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
nationalism
Consider replacing "in a proper way" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper way
. To a certain point, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fights among the supporters have
been reported
in past venues.

On the one hand, it is true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Football Cup or the Commonwealth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a tool to maintain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
patriotism
Consider replacing "in a secure way" with the adverb for "secure"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a secure way
. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that during international tournaments,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
from various nations are competing against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Consider replacing "in a supportive way" with the adverb for "supportive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a supportive way
. Although their countries of origin might be at war or conflict, they shake hands and greet each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. And during these moments, the sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
their nationalism by giving their best effort in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, since they are the representative of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
countries.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, although the tournaments
positively
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and the supporters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
carried away with their emotions. In certain cases, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
had fought against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could not manage their temperament, and the situation had triggered the supporters to fight against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
as well
.
As a result
, it caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tensions between countries
as well
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experts have suggested that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a proper explanation about controlling their emotions during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects to the supporters and the relationship among nations.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that international sport &
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as the European Football Cup or SEA
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
are an effective tool in easing the tensions among nations, and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
the patriotism in the right way. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
to
be trained
about controlling their emotions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Today, the high sales of popular consumer good reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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