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The bar chart below shows the distribution of different income groups of men aged 25-44 in Sydney according to whether they were born in Australia or overseas. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons whe v.1

The bar chart below shows the distribution of different income groups of men aged 25-44 in Sydney according to whether they were born in Australia or overseas.
In the contemporary era, it is considered by many people that the high rate of juvenile delinquency is linked with the aggression displayed by the media through movies. The biggest factor is media, but there are some other factors also there which contribute to the increase of crimes. This essay will discuss the reasons and some solution in order to mitigate this problem in the upcoming paragraphs. To begin with, the media are the most influential factor which impact badly on the youth. Most of youngsters prefer to watch movies and they see heroes are violent and awarded in the movies. They become their role models and they tried to follow them and imitate them. It impacts aggressively on the behaviour of the youngsters. They believed that It makes them cool if they carry some weapons and resolve some problems with aggression. To cite an example, a recent survey showed that 80% percent of crimes were committed by the youth due to the influence of movies and aggression portrayed in it. Thus, movies have a great role in order to engage them in crimes. However, some steps should be taken in order to reduce juvenile delinquency. Firstly, the government should provide facility of rehabilitation programs by which youngsters can consult with a psychologist and which help them to come up with violent thoughts. Furthermore, parents should supervise them and teach them what is wrong and right for them along with the consequences of the criminal activities. Also, authorities should implement some strict rules and penalties on the criminal activities. So that, they may scare before trying any criminal activities. Thus, these measures definitely help to reduce the crime rate. To recapitulate, although the percentage of juvenile crime is increasing with the passage of time, but some steps are also there which help to overcome the crimes by youngsters.
In the contemporary era, it
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that the high rate of juvenile delinquency
is linked
with the aggression displayed by the media through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
. The biggest factor is media,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other factors
also
there which contribute to the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. This essay will discuss the reasons and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solution in order to mitigate this problem in the upcoming paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the media are the most influential factor which impact
badly
on the youth.
After 'Most of', you should use 'the' ("Most of the youngsters") or simply say "Most youngsters".
Most of youngsters
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
movies and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
heroes are violent and awarded in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
. They become their role
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
models and
they tried to follow them and imitate them. It impacts
aggressively
on the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the youngsters. They believed that It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them cool if they carry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
weapons and resolve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems with aggression. To cite an example, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 80% percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
were committed
by the youth due to the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
and aggression portrayed in it.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
have a great role in order to engage them in crimes.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps should
be taken
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
juvenile delinquency.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide facility of rehabilitation programs by which youngsters can consult with a psychologist and which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with violent thoughts.
Furthermore
, parents should supervise them and teach them what is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
and right for them along with the consequences of the criminal activities.
Also
, authorities should implement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and penalties on the criminal activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, they may scare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
trying any criminal activities.
Thus
, these measures definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate.

To recapitulate, although the percentage of juvenile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is increasing with the passage of time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps are
also
there which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to overcome the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
by youngsters.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the distribution of different income groups of men aged 25-44 in Sydney according to whether they were born in Australia or overseas.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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