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The chart below gives information about global population percentages and distribution of wealth by region Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant Write at least 150 words v.1

The chart below gives information about global population percentages and distribution of wealth by region
People have different opinions on the government’s investment in the arts. Regarding this, some argue that the government should invest in practical field such as health and education. However, I strongly believe that many governments have already invested in such field, and should start spending more money to the arts because of its economic power and influence. First of all, the arts have the numerous influences to people. Perhaps the best example of that is the music. Through the internet, the music is consumed by global people, and the effects are wide and strong. For example, the ‘BTS’, which is the Korea boy group, has been become the one of famous singers in the world, and their global fans study Korean language and travel to Korea because of ‘BTS’. According to the article from KBS, which is the one of the Korea broadcasting company, the most of the fans didn’t know about Korea before, but after being a fan of ‘BTS’ they searched about Korea. As the example illustrates, the government can advertise their own country to global people with music, so it is one of good invest way to them. On top of that, many countries have knew the economic power of the arts, and they have been investing in that field. The best example is the Hollywood. The US government invested in the film industry and the Hollywood has been become the centre of the film industry of the world. They earned the huge amount of money through export their movie. It is obvious that the arts have the potential power as industry to earn lots of money. In conclusion, people should consider arts are not only the one of the best sources of income, but also the best way to introduce own country to the world. Arts will be one of best source of income in the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
investment in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. Regarding this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest in practical field such as health and education.
However
, I
strongly
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have already invested in such field, and should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
spending more money to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its economic power and influence.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
have the numerous influences to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Perhaps the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
of
that is
the music. Through the internet, the music
is consumed
by global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and the effects are wide and strong. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, the ‘BTS’, which is the Korea boy group, has
been become
the one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singers in the world, and their global fans study Korean language and travel to Korea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of ‘BTS’. According to the article from KBS, which is the one of the Korea broadcasting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, the most of the fans didn’t know about Korea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after being a fan of ‘BTS’ they searched about Korea. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
illustrates, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can advertise their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country to global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with music,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is one of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
invest way to them.

On top of that
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have
Use past participle here: "known".
knew
the economic power of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, and they have been investing in that field. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
is the Hollywood. The US
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
invested in the film industry and the Hollywood has
been become
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of the film industry of the world. They earned the huge amount of money through export their movie. It is obvious that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
have the potential power as industry to earn lots of money.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
sources of income,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way to introduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country to the world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Arts
will be one of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
source of income in the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
future
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay The chart below gives information about global population percentages and distribution of wealth by region

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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