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The pie chart shows information about water resources, and the bar chart shows the utilization of water in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Canada. v.1

The pie chart shows information about water resources, and the bar chart shows the utilization of water in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Canada. v. 1
It is important to consider what children should study. While some people argue that children should learn the fundamental required subjects, I believe that they should be free to select their desired fields of study. To begin with, those who prefer to enforce specific curriculums on children argue that this will enable them to gain the required skills for their careers. As a result, this education would reduce unemployment among these young people who will be equipped with the required knowledge to be hired. This would lead to an economic booming wherever this educational system is implemented. For example, a paper published by economists at Cambridge University in 2019 declared that learners who are trained according to their markets’ needs are more likely to get employed. Had it not been for these firm educational systems, these children would have been exposed to the risk of joblessness. On the other hand, I believe that allowing children the will to choose the subjects they are interested in would enhance their self-confidence. This is because it would enable these children to make their own decisions despite their young ages. This would contribute to developing these youngsters into better leaders, which would, in turn, aid them in becoming better parents. Conversely, if these young students didn’t choose the curriculums that they are fond of, they would suffer in developing their parental skills. For instance, research conducted by pedagogical experts at the Egyptian ministry of education in 2019 revealed that children who are enforced to specifically chosen courses are less expected to succeed as parents. In conclusion, despite prepared curriculums for children are beneficial in terms of preparing these students for the professional markets’ needs, I believe that the strengthened self-reliance that allowing them to choose their admired field of study can provide is the better approach.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should study. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn the fundamental required subjects, I believe that they should be free to select their desired fields of study.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
prefer to enforce specific curriculums on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
argue that this will enable them to gain the required
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for their careers.
As a result
, this education would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unemployment among these young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
will
be equipped
with the required knowledge to
be hired
. This would lead to an economic booming wherever this educational system
is implemented
.
For example
, a paper published by economists at Cambridge University in 2019 declared that learners
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are trained
according to their markets’ needs are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
employed. Had it not been for these firm educational systems, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would have
been exposed
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of joblessness.

On the other hand
, I believe that allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the will to choose the subjects they
are interested
in would enhance their self-confidence. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would enable these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions despite their young ages. This would contribute to developing these youngsters into better leaders, which would, in turn, aid them in becoming better parents.
Conversely
, if these young students didn’t choose the curriculums that they are fond of, they would suffer in developing their parental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, research conducted by pedagogical experts at the Egyptian ministry of education in 2019 revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are enforced
to
specifically
chosen courses are less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to succeed as parents.

In conclusion
, despite prepared curriculums for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are beneficial in terms of preparing these students for the professional markets’ needs, I believe that the strengthened self-reliance that allowing them to choose their admired field of study can provide is the better approach.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie chart shows information about water resources, and the bar chart shows the utilization of water in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Canada. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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