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The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. with this statement? v. 5
Nowadays, there are many discussions whether citizens’ health standards will dramatically decline or not. In my opinion, I totally agree that people are going to become unhealthier in the future than they are now. To begin with, there are myriad reasons that support the notion that people will live unhealthy life-style. Firstly, computers and the internet are more advanced these days and it nearly can do various types of tasks. To illustrate, ten years ago, people used to go to shops to purchase their needs, and they did that by walking or by using any other means for transporting; those activities are requiring physical activity. However, due to the breakthrough in tech-gadgets such as cellphones, people have the power to buy all goods whenever and wherever they want while they are simply sitting in their homes, and this has led to minimize their body movements. For that reason, people’s health declined as we become more dependent on technological equipment that turns our life into automated style. Moreover, people are consuming massive amounts of junk foods nowadays. Due to long work hours they spent trying to secure their future and satisfying their needs, they do not have much time to prepare a healthy meal. For instance, a recent study published in 2015 and conducted by food administration in US government, shows that 60% of American citizens consuming fast foods three times more than in 2010, this has led to a shocking increase in obesity level among Americans. Eating ready meals known as the second factor for heart diseases because this kind of food contains high levels of fats and carbohydrates, which not only cause obesity but also could lead to death if they were consumed on a daily basis in the long term. In conclusion, it is my firm conviction that sedentary lifestyle has disastrous impact to people’s life in the future, unless governments take more precaution to reduce this trend.
Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
discussions whether citizens’ health standards will
dramatically
decline or not. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are going to become unhealthier in the future than they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are myriad reasons that support the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
unhealthy life-style.
Firstly
, computers and the internet are more advanced these days and it
nearly
can do various types of tasks. To illustrate, ten years ago,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to shops to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
their needs, and they did that by walking or by using any other means for transporting; those activities are requiring physical activity.
However
, due to the breakthrough in tech-gadgets such as cellphones,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
whenever and wherever they want while they are
simply
sitting in their homes, and this has led to minimize their body movements. For that reason,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health declined as we become more dependent on technological equipment that turns our life into automated style.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are consuming massive amounts of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
nowadays. Due to long work hours they spent trying to secure their future and satisfying their needs, they do not have much time to prepare a healthy meal.
For instance
, a recent study published in 2015 and conducted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
administration in US
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 60% of American citizens consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
three times more than in 2010, this has led to a shocking increase in obesity level among Americans. Eating ready meals known as the second factor for heart diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contains high levels of fats and carbohydrates, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cause obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
could lead to death if they
were consumed
on a daily basis in the long term.

In conclusion
, it is my firm conviction that sedentary lifestyle has disastrous impact to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life in the future, unless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
take more precaution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this trend.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. with this statement? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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