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The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.4

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. with this statement? v. 4
It is argued by some people that the general health of the populace in the future is expected to worsen compare to the status now. I agree with this notion because the increase in the use of telecommunication devices in the future will promote sedentary lifestyles, while there will be more health complications from the technological bio-products. Firstly, the use of telecommunication devices discourages an active lifestyles and it is expected to increase in the future. In order words, people may no longer walk outside their homes to interact with their neighbors and friends but rather communicate electronically which will result in a rise in obesity and other associated health complications such as diabetes and coronary heart disease. For example, a recent study by the Nigeria Medical Association identified sedentary lifestyles as a major cause of type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. Thus, with the projected rise in the use of these devices and the internet for communication, more people may suffer deleterious health problems. Furthermore, the rise in the bio-products of technology will increase some health problems such as Leukamia and skin cancers. This occur due to harmful radiations emitted during the production and use of various electronics and equipment like Human Scanning machines in airports and mobile phones. For instance, medical experts encouraged a limited use of devices with infra-red radiation due to its harmful effects. Therefore, with the expected raise in technology in the future, more people will be expose to technological by-products that can harm their health. In conclusion, the standard of health of people in the future is likely to decrease due to the sedentary lifestyles from the projected increase in the use of telecommunication devices and from the by-products of technology which will increase and affect more people.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the populace in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to worsen compare to the status
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of telecommunication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
will promote sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
, while there will be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
complications from the technological bio-products.

Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of telecommunication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
discourages an active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. In order words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may no longer walk outside their homes to interact with their neighbors and friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
communicate
electronically
which will result in a rise in obesity and other associated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
complications such as diabetes and coronary heart disease.
For example
, a recent study by the Nigeria Medical Association identified sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
as a major cause of type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular diseases.
Thus
, with the projected rise in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and the internet for communication, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may suffer deleterious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems.

Furthermore
, the rise in the bio-products of technology will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Leukamia
and skin cancers.
The verb 'occur' is plural. Did you mean: "This occurs"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This occur
due to harmful radiations emitted during the production and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of various electronics and equipment like Human Scanning machines in airports and mobile phones.
For instance
, medical experts encouraged a limited
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
with infra-red radiation due to its harmful effects.
Therefore
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
raise in technology in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be
Consider using a past participle here: "exposed".
expose
to technological by-products that can harm their health.

In conclusion
, the standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is likely to decrease due to the sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
from the projected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of telecommunication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and from the by-products of technology which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
and
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. with this statement? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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