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The amount of violence in movies has increased. What effect does this have on viewers? Should governments censor movies? v.2

The amount of violence in movies has increased. What effect does this have on viewers? Should governments censor movies? v. 2
Despite being a great source of entertainment, some movies, such as action ones, might have negative impacts on their audience. In my opinion, there has to be some sort of censorship by governments on this field of industry to protect people from such impacts. Away from entertainment, motion pictures could have their dark side; they could implant negative psychological disorders in their viewers, youth in particular. As youths are the most vulnerable category of people that tend to imitate what they watch on screens, that is why their attitude may become more violent and aggressive by the influence of brutal scenes. In Egypt, there has been a remarkable change in the behaviour of people under 18 in terms of increased harassment and prevalence of white weapons after the appearance of Al Subki action movies, which have high dose of violence and profanity. Therefore, the more violence people watch, the more brutal they become. Owing to the previous argument, I believe that governments have to impose some serious measures to help mitigate those deleterious impacts on young generations. Firstly, there must be a law that prevents people who are under 16 from attending violent action and horror films in cinemas side by side with a guide that shows detailed contents about films for parents at home. Secondly and more importantly, governments should establish associations to censorship movies’ contents before filming them, and Censorship on Artistic Work Organisation in Jordan is a salient example for this which puts all films under scrutiny to prevent the inappropriate ones. By way of conclusion, through movies, violence can affect people negatively, and I hold the notion that if governments offered more supervision on these movies, there would be less harmful effects on audience.
Despite being a great source of entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
, such as action ones, might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on their audience. In my opinion, there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of censorship by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
on this field of industry to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from such impacts.

Away from entertainment, motion pictures could have their dark side; they could implant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
psychological disorders in their viewers, youth
in particular
. As youths are the most vulnerable category of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that tend to imitate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on screens,
that is
why their attitude may become more violent and aggressive by the influence of brutal scenes. In Egypt, there has been a remarkable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
under 18 in terms of increased harassment and prevalence of white weapons after the appearance of Al
Possible spelling mistake found.
Subki
action
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
, which have high dose of violence and profanity.
Therefore
, the more violence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
, the more brutal they become.

Owing to the previous argument, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
impose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
mitigate those deleterious impacts on young generations.
Firstly
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a law that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are under 16 from attending violent action and horror films in cinemas side by side with a guide that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
detailed contents about films for parents at home.
Secondly
and more
importantly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should establish associations to censorship
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies’
contents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
filming them, and Censorship on Artistic Work
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
in Jordan is a salient example for this which puts all films under scrutiny to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the inappropriate ones.

By way of conclusion, through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
, violence can affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
negatively
, and I hold the notion that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
offered more supervision on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
, there would be less harmful effects on audience.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay The amount of violence in movies has increased. What effect does this have on viewers? Should governments censor movies? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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