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The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solutions can you suggest? v.1

The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solutions can you suggest? v. 1
It is believed that spending more time in physical exercise and sports is the best way of curbing the issue of obesity in kids. I believe the most effective way to deal with excess weight in children is to minimize the amount of junk intake. Likewise, promoting the consumption of healthy meal will help eradicate overweight amongst youngsters. First of all, giving extra hours for school children to participate in various exercises and sports reduces excess weight. During this engagement in physical activities, there is blood circulation and excess fat is removed through sweat. A health magazine recently published an article on more than 100 benefits of exercise for kids. With this, it shows that engaging in sport activities and exercise has a role to play in reducing increased body weight. Therefore, more time should be given to activities relating to sports and exercise in schools to curb the problem of obesity in children. Primarily, the diet of a child should be considered first in tackling the issue of obesity. The uprising of fast food and junks which is accompanied with development is the leading cause of overweight in people. A relevant survey shows that most families feed on junk on a daily basis. However, fast food constitutes of high carbohydrates. Therefore, reducing the intake of junk foods is a primary way of curbing the problem of excessive weight in children. Furthermore, overweight kids should be placed on a diet plan as another method of controlling overweight. This ensures a healthy diet which will include all the necessary vitamins and minerals vital for body weight control. In conclusion, although adding more time to that spent on physical exercise in school is necessary to curb overweight, it is very crucial to control what these kids consume as well as advocated for consumption of healthy meals in order to stay fit.
It
is believed
that spending more time in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is the best way of curbing the issue of obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. I believe the most effective way to deal with excess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
in children is to minimize the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
intake.
Likewise
, promoting the consumption of healthy meal will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
eradicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
amongst youngsters.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, giving extra hours for school children to participate in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
excess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
. During this engagement in physical activities, there is blood circulation and excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is removed
through sweat. A health magazine recently published an article on more than 100 benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. With this, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
has a role to play in reducing increased body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
.
Therefore
, more time should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to activities relating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in schools to curb the problem of obesity in children.

Primarily
, the diet of a child should
be considered
first
in tackling the issue of obesity. The uprising of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junks
which is
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
development is the leading cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. A relevant survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that most families feed on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
on a daily basis.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food
Did you mean "consists of"?
constitutes of
high carbohydrates.
Therefore
, reducing the intake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
foods is a primary way of curbing the problem of excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
in children.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
should
be placed
on a diet plan as another method of controlling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
. This ensures a healthy diet which will include all the necessary vitamins and minerals vital for body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
control.

In conclusion
, although adding more time to that spent on physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in school is necessary to curb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial to control what these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
consume
as well
as advocated for consumption of healthy meals in order to stay fit.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solutions can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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