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The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this the best way to deal the problem? what other solutions can you suggest? v.1

The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this the best way to deal the problem? what other solutions can you suggest? v. 1
Obesity has been the subject for concern in recent years and there is an observable trend that more students are getting overweight. Being obese can cause a lot of health problems to a youngster, such as high blood pressure and higher chance of getting heart dieases. Therefore, some doctors and educators suggest that schools should provide students more time to do sports and exercises besides PE lessons. I believe that this is one of the alternatives to let students lose their weight. First of all, have an unhealthy lifestyle has led to the suboptimal health of the future pillars of our society. Since children would like to move less in their leisure time rather than practicing sports, along with their unhealthy diet, the exceed chemcials, such as fat and cholesterol, will affects their health detrimentally. Therefore, providing more time (including lesson time and extra-curricular time) for students can encourage them to move their bodies more and their exceed fact and cholesterol will thus be eliminated. As a result, we can foresee the declining rate of student obesity. To avoid curing the symptoms rather than the root cause, we also need to educate children to have a healthy lifestyle. As many students tend to have a wonderful materalized life, health is not the most important consideration on their lifestyle. In other words, students would like to spend most of their time and money on entertainment and eating instead of keeping themselves healthy. Therefore, organizing guest sharing and seminars can let adolescents understand the importance of having a healthy lifestyle. To sum up, the reason of more students being overweight can be regarded as their harmful lifestyle. To effectively solve the problem, we need to extend the time of students doing sports and exercises in school and to promote the appropriate path towards their healthier future.
Obesity has been the subject for concern in recent years and there is an observable trend that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are getting overweight. Being obese can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems to a youngster, such as high blood pressure and higher chance of getting heart
Possible spelling mistake found.
dieases
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
doctors and educators suggest that schools should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do sports and exercises
besides
PE lessons. I believe that this is one of the alternatives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
lose their weight.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, have an unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
has led to the suboptimal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the future pillars of our society. Since children would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
less in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rather
than practicing sports, along with their unhealthy diet,
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'exceed' is correct. If 'exceed' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the exceed
Possible spelling mistake found.
chemcials
, such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and cholesterol, will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "affect"
affects
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
detrimentally
.
Therefore
, providing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
(including lesson
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time)
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their bodies more and their exceed fact and cholesterol will
thus
be eliminated
.
As a result
, we can foresee the declining rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
obesity.

To avoid curing the symptoms
rather
than the root cause, we
also
need to educate children to have a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tend to have a wonderful
Possible spelling mistake found.
materalized
life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is not the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
consideration on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would like to spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and money on entertainment and eating
instead
of keeping themselves healthy.
Therefore
, organizing guest sharing and seminars can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
adolescents understand the importance of having a healthy lifestyle.

To sum up, the reason of more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
being overweight can
be regarded
as their harmful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. To
effectively
solve the problem, we need to extend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
doing sports and exercises in school and to promote the appropriate path towards their healthier future.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this the best way to deal the problem? what other solutions can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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