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Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. To what extent do you agree? v.6

Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. v. 6
Nowadays recreation, leisure and sports activities play an important role in any societies. Therefore, private and public organizations should contribute in promoting sports and social activities by providing infrastructure or by conducting games and public events. In my opinion providing facilities to local societies could have many beneficial effects, accordingly, I agree with this point of view. On the one hand, sports have a great value for any country. It is an enjoyable and effective way which could improve physical and mental health. In addition, it could relieve stress level, rise fitness and prevent the development of chronic disease, such as heart disease or blood pressure. Thus, arrangement of sports projects will boost the healthier environment in the community and also become the source of motivation. Furthermore, not only crime, but also alcohol and drug misuse and anti-social behaviours among young generation will be reduced by participating in the sports events. On the other hand, citizens of any country and local area have their own ancient traditions and forefather culture. Companies should try to help people maintain and remember their traditional values. For example, the entertainment programs like cultural dance, handicrafts exhibition or art play could be hosted by them. It could encourage people to participate in the social activities and enhance their skills. Besides, the culture will be maintained between the generations. The local events could provide the opportunity for the family members to interact with other families and they can have a healthy conversation and time which make them happy. In conclusion, the game events and social gathering are very important to the community which create a positive and healthy environment and lead to peace. Moreover, such events could improve people's skills and flourish their talents.
Nowadays recreation, leisure and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in any societies.
Therefore
, private and public organizations should contribute in promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and social activities by providing infrastructure or by conducting games and public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. In my opinion providing facilities to local societies could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
beneficial effects,
accordingly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have a great value for any country. It is an enjoyable and effective way which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
physical and mental health.
In addition
, it could relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level, rise fitness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the development of chronic disease, such as heart disease or blood pressure.
Thus
, arrangement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
projects will boost the healthier environment in the community and
also
become the source of motivation.
Furthermore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
crime,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
alcohol and drug misuse and anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
among young generation will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by participating in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

On the other hand
, citizens of any country and local area have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ancient traditions and forefather culture.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
should try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
maintain and remember their traditional values.
For example
, the entertainment programs like cultural dance, handicrafts exhibition or art play could
be hosted
by them. It could encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to participate in the social activities and enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Besides
, the culture will
be maintained
between the generations. The local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
could provide the opportunity for the family members to interact with other
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
families and
they can have a healthy conversation and time which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them happy.

In conclusion
, the game
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and social gathering are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the community which create a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and healthy environment and lead to peace.
Moreover
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and flourish their talents.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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