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Thanks to globalization societies are becoming more and more alike. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer v.1

Thanks to globalization societies are becoming more and more alike. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. with this statement? 1
The educational system is gradually improved thanks to the support from the technological devices, especially the computers. although it is argued that this is a part of the evolution, some others state this is the cause of many negative effects such as addiction, being isolated or increasing crime rate. In my view, everything existing in the world all have their two-side effect, advantages and disadvantages. To begin with the positive side of this, no one can refuse many benefits that the computers bring as this connect people in the globe and boost up the productivity of many organizations. In order to illustrate this point, the computers have taken over the role of accounting, calculating or even doing research for students. In the past, when the engineers wanted to analyse the internal forces happening in each structure, they had to use limited formulas which sometimes have big tolerance. However, by using computers to calculate many complex functions, now they are able to reduce the risks of the sustainable calculation. On the other hand, the computers might contain many drawbacks effecting badly the humanity. One of the common opposite consequences is the addiction. In other words, due to the race of many entertainment enterprises, lots of video games supporting in computer platform has been presented, this result in children can be addicted by playing games with these kind of technical devices. Furthermore, this perhaps increases the rate of violent crime in each region because of the mature content and pornography attached in the video games which our children are approaching. The fatal massacre happening in Texas, for example, were held by a young man because he played too much violent games according to the local officers. To summerise, the world would not be modern if the humanity did not apply computers to their daily life. This device improves our productivity, increases profit, saves time in complex calculation and connect people in a long distance. In contrast, this also causes obsession and violent behaviour in young people. However, I believe if we control the way our children interacting with this device, we can reduce its risks and encourage the humanity to be better.
The educational system is
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
thanks to the support from the technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
,
especially
the computers.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
although
it
is argued
that this is a part of the evolution,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others state this is the cause of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects such as addiction,
being isolated
or increasing crime rate. In my view, everything existing in the world all have their two-side effect, advantages and disadvantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side of this, no one can refuse
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits that the computers bring as this connect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the globe and boost up the productivity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
organizations. In order to illustrate this point, the computers have taken over the role of accounting, calculating or even doing research for students. In the past, when the engineers wanted to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the internal forces happening in each structure, they had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
limited formulas which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
tolerance.
However
, by using computers to calculate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
complex functions,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of the sustainable calculation.

On the other hand
, the computers might contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks effecting
badly
the humanity. One of the common opposite consequences is the addiction.
In other words
, due to the race of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
entertainment enterprises, lots of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
supporting in computer platform has
been presented
, this result in children can
be addicted
by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
.
Furthermore
, this perhaps increases the rate of violent crime in each region
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the mature content and pornography attached in the video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which our children are approaching. The fatal massacre happening in Texas,
for example
,
were held
by a young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he played too much violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
according to the local officers.

To
Possible spelling mistake found.
summerise
, the world would not be modern if the humanity did not apply computers to their daily life. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
our productivity, increases profit, saves time in complex calculation and connect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a long distance.
In contrast
, this
also
causes obsession and violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
, I believe if we control the way our children interacting with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and encourage the humanity to be better.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Thanks to globalization societies are becoming more and more alike. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. with this statement? 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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