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Television has brought great changes to the way many children spend their leisure time. While some of these changes have been beneficial, others have had a harmful effect. v.1

Television has brought great changes to the way many children spend their leisure time. While some of these changes have been beneficial, others have had a harmful effect. v. 1
The way in which numerous children spend their free time has changed significantly through the advent of television. This change in activity, however, has had both a positive and negative effect on these children. Compared to past leisure activities, television has been beneficial for a child’s education and entertainment. Before the invention of television, children often listened to educational programmes on the radio. But unlike radio which is only audio, television is both audio and image. Children today not only listen to but can also watch programmes on television, such as a kindergarten teacher teaching the alphabet. The extra dimension of the image makes learning the alphabet simpler, and it is also easier to remember. Furthermore, in the past, young children often played with toys. However, many children found these toys dull and boring to play with. Young children today find television much more entertaining. They regularly watch cartoons after school. This helps them to relax and unwind. In contrast to those benefits, television has been harmful to a child’s physical and social development. Before television, which is an indoor sedentary activity, children played outdoors more frequently. Children of modern times spend less time outdoors and tend to sit in front of the television indoors for too long. As a result of this inactivity, there is an increasing amount of unfit and overweight children in the world. In addition, previously, children spent more time talking with their friends face-to-face. Television rather is a passive activity with no direct interaction. To make matters worse children of today often watch television in isolation. Consequently, many children have fewer friends through the poor social skills they have developed. In conclusion, television as a leisure activity for children has both benefits and drawbacks. Therefore, when children watch television, the programmes they should watch narrowing down to either educational or entertaining. However, they must balance the outdoor activities and engage with their friends.
The way in which numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
significantly
through the advent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
however
, has had both a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on these children.

Compared to past leisure
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activities
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has been beneficial for a child’s education and entertainment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
the invention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
listened to educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
on the radio.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
unlike radio which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
audio,
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television
is both audio and image.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
listen to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
also
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watch
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, such as a kindergarten teacher teaching the alphabet. The extra dimension of the image
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
learning the alphabet simpler, and it is
also
easier to remember.
Furthermore
, in the past, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
played with toys.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
found these toys dull and boring to play with. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
find
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television
much more entertaining. They
regularly
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watch
cartoons after school. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to relax and unwind.

In contrast
to those benefits,
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television
has been harmful to a child’s physical and social development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
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television
, which is an indoor sedentary
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activity
,
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children
played outdoors more
frequently
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
of modern
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times
spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outdoors and tend to sit in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
indoors for too long.
As a result
of this inactivity, there is an increasing amount of unfit and overweight
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children
in the world.
In addition
, previously,
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children
spent more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
talking with their friends face-to-face.
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Television
rather
is a passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
with no direct interaction. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
matters worse
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children
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
in isolation.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have fewer friends through the poor social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
they have developed.

In conclusion
,
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television
as a leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has both benefits and drawbacks.
Therefore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
narrowing down to either educational or entertaining.
However
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
balance the outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and engage with their friends.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Television has brought great changes to the way many children spend their leisure time. While some of these changes have been beneficial, others have had a harmful effect. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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